The Other Side

​  It’s Mother’s Day and I’ve spent the ENTIRE day locked up in our room traveling down memory lane revisiting our family videos tonight.  I ended on this one because I wanted your voice in my head before I go to sleep. 🥰

​it snowed today. It was more than anything we’ve gotten the entire winter. I’ve never had to shovel our driveway. I didn’t today. I probably should have. The van didn’t  make it into the garage. So it’s sitting at the bottom of the driveway. (Jenn was driving it) I was driving your truck when I went out to ninja class for the boys. The roads were icy. Even in your truck I slid off the roads a few times. The breaks would lock on hills. I hate driving in snow.  I had plans to run errands, go to the Temple, and attend Janet’s surprise birthday party today but after getting ready I saw the snow falling and I climbed back into bed. I don’t want to do anything. My mind is numb.  Is it grief?  The snow? I have a babysitter the entire day and I stayed in bed. I turned on an audiobook I started a few days ago and didn’t move for hours. I dozed off and on and drug myself out of bed to go watch Joshua at his ninja gym class at 5:30pm.  Now I’m back in bed with our bedroom...

​ I don’t know why some days are harder than others. I’m suddenly in a funk. I cry easily, I want to stay in bed and my body aches when I wake up.  This prayer was timely. 😇

  Babe, In the morning, my body aches, and all I've done is open my eyes. Why does grief do this?  It's like death is mocking me for being alive. Why is this kicking in now?  It has been 4 months but I feel worse today than I ever have. It hurts more. I forget to breathe and then I can't catch my breath.  It is too shallow. I think part of my oxygen supply died with you. Daily this week, it feels like I am on the verge of a panic attack.  My heart feels heavy, along with my shoulders and back.  It's so heavy that I don't even try to carry the weight of it anymore.  When it gets too much, I let it go.  I cry where ever I am.   Today that was sitting at a table at the City Library.  I sat there and sobbed and it felt so good. Then I was able to move forward and be productive with my homework. First thing in the morning yesterday, I could feel the weight.  I decided to leave the kids home from church and I walked alone, hopin...

 They say grief comes in waves.  Yup.  For whatever reason, I can't get it together this week! I've already cried in the Temple, in the shower, at the library, in Swig drive thru, while watering plants, while cleaning the pool and in bed.  It's only Wednesday.  At least I'm being productive while crying, right?     I couldn't stay awake this afternoon after getting up early for the temple, so I snuck away to the bedroom.  (All the big kids were gone. My desperate need for naps always happen when they aren't here to help).  Jadon found me in less than 10 minuets and I handed him my phone.   I didn't care what he did with it, as long as he let me sleep! (And by that I mean, I turned on Minno and crossed my fingers that he wouldn't find YouTube reels 😆) For the next hour he walked me like a plank!!   He wouldn't stop jumping, and body slamming himself on me.   I was in survival mode and just took it. I didn't ...

  Last night I was lost in the heartache. I woke up this morning with puffy eyes, body aches, and more tears. But then Joshua climbed into bed with me and licked my face, he was pretending to be a cat, and insisted I "pet his belly." And Jadon wanted to water the flowers outside with me. No time for wallowing in my sorrows. 😆 You left me a beautiful life to care for, and the means to do it.  💗  Thank you for working so hard to provide for us. Today I will conquer the world in your honor! You know what helps me the most? Remembering how you love me.   I know you are my biggest cheerleader. It's YOU that fuels me to keep going.  My life is beautiful because of us . You are my Everything, Everywhere, Always! 🤟 Stay Close 😘

Babe, Tonight, it hurts, a lot. 😥 Most days I can keep it together.  I can because I feel you near.   You are always with me.  I am always thinking of you. Right now my heart is reaching for you. I don't want to be strong anymore. I want to be held by you. I need to fall apart. 💔    I love you.   🤟 😘

  You always said there would be plenty of time to sleep when you were dead.  So...why don't I believe you are sulking in a bed like I am today?   What is it like for you on the other side?  Are you seeing beautiful things and thinking: "Ah!  Ember would love this!"   Do you have those painful grief punches in the gut when you remember I am not in the next room?  I'm doing ok.  Really.  I just miss sharing life with you.  I can do one day at a time.  The thought of getting through a day is totally doable.  When I let my mind tell my heart you aren't coming back again it kills me.  I let that in for a bit today.  It was brutal. When this happens, I have a good cry, listen to this song and hand it over to Jesus.   He fills my broken heart with hope and thinking of you working in heaven puts a smile on my face. I'll keep working hard here to put a smile on your face too. We got this! 🤟 ("fake it till...

  I don't know how we've managed 90 sleeps without you!   I'd like to take advantage of the 90 day return policy.  This arrangement isn't working out for me.   Please inform the Heavens that I am filing a return, and I'd like you back at my current address for a full refund.😭 (I'll pay shipping and handling if necessary) It's the first day of summer now.   No more school bus for Jadon. No more alarms for me!!!  This would mean your last day of school is tomorrow.  The BEST part of your job, Mr. Hobi, is summers off! What summer project should we do this year? We would probably paint the fence.  The EQ Pres. is coming over, today actually, to talk about doing that for a project.  They came out in April and took down the old playground, removed the trees, emptied my bag of dirt to level the hill and moved the trampoline for me.  I've reseeded the north lawn and turned the basketball court into a Pickleball court!  It's prob...

  Hey Babe! Longest day ever!!  I’m grumpy.  I barely got through bedtime.  I told Joshua he wasn’t sleeping with me tonight and he said:  “You can’t just break your covenant!!” 😆 (covenant being; he can sleep in my room when it is not a school night??) That made me laugh, but yes I can, and I will with this one.  I’ve changed my mind. He isn’t sleeping with me on weekends anymore.  I want to be ALONE!   Jadon has slept with me the past 2 nights because he’s sick. I’ve had enough vomit, poop and feet in my face.   Our bed is stripped and I’m sleeping in it anyway all alone! (Me and the Graham cracker crumbs! 😫)  Every time I was on the phone I was interrupted by kids. It’s so frustrating!   How can they time it so well?  Jadon gets naked when I'm on the phone and tries to run to the pool.   I see I need to make some time for teaching phone etiquette.  Tonight was my Addiction Recovery meeting and ever...

  This new reality is bitter sweet. I feel both joy and sorrow in the morning. Every morning I have to decide to either get up and go or sit and sulk.  If the sun is out it helps.  The problem is, you aren’t here to pull the blinds open and let the sunshine in and jumpstart my day,  like you always did.  So, from inside the bed I guess what the scene is outside.  Spring is helping me along.  Our trees are in full bloom and our yard is full of color.  I’ll pull open the blinds and sit at the window like a cat and absorb the morning rays.   You aren’t here to make the bed the second I step away. ( I loved that morning gift you gave to me, by the way. How many times did I complain that you made the bed before I was done? 😆 I think of that when I return to our room and see the bed is still unmade.  You never missed a day.  I know you were making the bed for me. I know it made you happy to make me happy…you said as much!...