The Other Side

 

 

 Joshua: "Mom, get me a sucker when you're at Home Depot." Me: "Nope!  You have to be with me to get the sucker. " Joshua: "Well, Dad buys me one when he goes without me. " Me: "Sorry sucker. Not happening. " He came along but thinks you're "better" than me😆  I am so glad he has this memory of you.  It's exactly what you created. Remember our conversation about this last summer?  You were going to Home Depot daily, sometimes multiple times in one day.  You always asked Joshua to go with you, to give me a break, but he never wanted to. He said: "Only if you buy me a sucker like mom does."  You didn't like that he wanted a sucker to go and you didn't like that he wasn't allowing you to help me by taking him. I encouraged you to take the bribe😆.  I told you I buy him a sucker every time he goes with me because I know Home Depot is a boring store for a kid but when I go I need him to be patient while I...

 

 

 Babe,     I did a "thing" last weekend.  I was invited to a "Sound Bath." I went, having no idea what I was walking into.  The best way I can describe it is;  a mix of April and Kami.  Crystals, and drums. 😆 Need I say more?  I was told I would sleep well after attending.  It's true I did, but the sound bath (high frequency music) was not the main event for me.  It was the introduction or greeting exercise they had us do before.   Two circles were formed, an inner circle and an outer circle of people facing each other.  You know how much I HATE people exercises.  This is 1000x worse than anything I have ever complained to you about.   I knew it was going to be  way  outside of my comfort zone but I was going to embrace it. I stepped into the inner circle and purposefully stood away from my friends.    We were instructed to stand about arms length away from the person across from us....

Babe! I woke up a few nights ago from a bad nightmare about Jarom.  I want to cash in on this Bitmoji! Lets make a deal.   The Deal: I take care of the 3 kids living at home and YOU take care of the 3 kids NOT living at home.  We have an advantage.  Between the two of us we can have "EYES" on all the kids ALL of the time! 👀 I told the older three that I've turned them over to you so they know you're watching! 🤪 It's like being a kid again and being on their best behavior during Christmas because "Santa knows." 🤣 Jadon and I pray every night that you will watch over us from Heaven.  No sleeping on the clock! (even though you always said you'll have plenty of time to sleep when you are dead...this is when your sleeping problems are an asset.) I Love you! 🤟 Stay Close (and awake) 😘  

  Babe, Today I listened to this prayer on proverbs 23:7 "As a man thinks in his heart so is he."  It introduced a new concept to called a "Thought life."    It is defined as:  "The invisible, internal world where your thoughts constantly move, shaping your mood, decisions, and relationships."  I realized YOU are my thought life.  You are ever present in my thoughts.  Always with me and part of me like a shadow. No matter what I am doing you are on my heart. I carry you with me all day long.  At first you were heavy to carry.  I cried all the time because it hurt to feel you and not have you, but I am stronger now.  I hold you without noticing the effort and fill your void with thoughts of us.  I am not just me anymore.  I am us.  When I go about my day with the kids I am parenting for the both of us.  It's you and me.  When I am alone I am thinking about us.  I love being in love with you.  I...

 

 Babe, This is the sort of thing that happens when Dad's are on the clock. 😂 The good news is a Magic Eraser took it right off! (Expo markers).  I need to stop hiding from the kids 😆😆😆

 

  Babe!!   I did it! I’m finished! Today I submitted my final assignment! If you were here I know just what you’d do. You’d be coming home about now with a bouquet of flowers, a babysitter arranged   and a night planned to celebrate! (And I would say, let's grab some food and hide in our bedroom instead of go out)  But what I crave most is your face. I know that look on your face when you are proud of me.  I just want to see your soft brown eyes look at me the way you do and then say: “Is it bad that I want to swear?” 🥰 I feel absolutely exhausted.   These last 6 months the took everything out of me to keep going. I’ve had to set aside my emotional days (as much as I could) and keep going when every part of my being wants to fall apart.   I’ve needed caffeine to keep going, check lists, countdowns, babysitters, extra time from my teachers and therapy session to get through this.   I hate that I finished this without you because you started it wit...

 

  Babe!  This is my final assignment!  How fitting that my last class research topic is Fatherlessness.  It was everything I needed to learn.  You left us in good hands.  We will sidestep many struggles families face when a father is not in the home because of our resources, faith, and education.  I'll keep on keeping on!

 

 

He’s having a staring contest with it. 😂