Delicate Day

 They say grief comes in waves.  Yup.  For whatever reason, I can't get it together this week!

I've already cried in the Temple, in the shower, at the library, in Swig drive thru, while watering plants, while cleaning the pool and in bed.  It's only Wednesday.  At least I'm being productive while crying, right?  

  I couldn't stay awake this afternoon after getting up early for the temple, so I snuck away to the bedroom.  (All the big kids were gone. My desperate need for naps always happen when they aren't here to help). 

Jadon found me in less than 10 minuets and I handed him my phone.  

I didn't care what he did with it, as long as he let me sleep! (And by that I mean, I turned on Minno and crossed my fingers that he wouldn't find YouTube reels 😆)

For the next hour he walked me like a plank!!  

He wouldn't stop jumping, and body slamming himself on me.  

I was in survival mode and just took it. I didn't have the energy to relocate either of us. 

I played dead.  Inside though, I was SO frustrated!

 Abi called me and told me the scooter she was riding to Target fell apart and she crashed. 

 I couldn't compute and said something along the lines of: "I can't help.  I need sleep.  Are you ok?  Call me later."

I showed some irritation toward Jadon and he took it for fuel and laughed and steam rolled me.  I wanted to throw him outside and lock the door. 

 I was so groggy. 

 I know any reaction to him wouldn't be understood properly. 

 He can't read my emotions. A blown up demand for him to stop jumping on me wouldn't be any more effective than a gentle request, but I know he deserves kindness.  

I chose to be kind when I wanted to freak out and yell for him to go away!  

Stop touching me! 

 Let me sit alone for 1 hour!!

  I took deep breaths and told myself he wants to be on top of me because he feels safe here.  He wants to be where I am because I am his safety. 

 I can be that for him.  😩

My bad day will go away, I don't need to ruin his.

  Eventually he stopped walking down my legs and instead started jumping off the bed to the floor. 

 Between consciousness he was handing me a box of protein bars from the freezer to open and a water bottle.

 I reminded him to use the toilet, which he obediently did, but then he was naked and I let it be.  

About an hour in, Joshua came into the room, jumped onto the bed and crashed down on me.  

He was cold from eating frozen strawberries so he wanted to snuggle.  

He didn't care that I was asleep.  He didn't care that I was comfortable under my blanket.  He saw Mom under a blanket nice and cozy!!  The perfect spot to be!

  He pulled it away and climbed under and got right up to my face and poked my cheek.  

I lost it!

"Don't touch me while I am sleeping!" 

My mama bear growl was not kind.

"But, I'm cold... and you hurt my feelings Mom!" He blames me.

This is exactly what I was trying to avoid. 

 It will be MY fault. 

They can't see how heavy today is for me.  

I just want to recharge, alone, and maybe cry a few more tears while this day feels so hard, but it's a delicate dance with our little guys. 

 God did provide the recharge I needed and I sort of kept the Peace.

  I apologized to Joshua and let him hog the blanket but taught him to be respectful to me (and others) when they are sleeping by not bothering them.  

Then we picked up Abi and I apologized to her.  

Rough day on the job for me today.  

It's a hard place to be; delicate glass everywhere.  

It sucks to be the only adult in the room when I want to behave like a child and throw a fit and get sent to time out. 

SO, I did the next best thing.  I gathered snacks in a bowl and locked Jadon in his room with the iPad and I took a bath. 

Joshua can still entertain himself better than Jadon.  

Jadon's repeat sentence today is: 

"Daddy in Heaven.

Daddy gone. 

Daddy in Heaven."  

He won't stop until I repeat it to him several times. 

 I think he was thinking about our Fathers Day activity.  

He said something about balloons also.  I love that he is thinking of you.  I put your pictures on his iPad as the screen savers.  I hear him say: "Daddy say I love you" when he picks it up.  

It helps to share my bad days with you. Getting it out helps.  I'm exhausted tonight.  Yay.  Tomorrow is a new day!