The Other Side

Babe, I miss you tonight like Richard misses Elise McKenna. 😥 💔 My all time favorite movie hits different with you gone.  You know I use to watch this movie at least weekly when I was in College. I loved their love story.   I need to get my hands on that Time Travel book  🥰 Come back to me… Jace has been staying here for Thanksgiving break.  He used our shower and dressed to go out in a date. He left a trail of cologne behind him. It instantly brought me to tears. Our house hasn’t smelled like you for way too long. I forgot already, how good you smelled. I loved that you had self care routines.  I loved that you wouldn’t put cologne on in my presence. I noticed that you’d wait till I’d walk out of the room or into the closest then you’d apply it. I never asked why, but I liked that you weren’t always an open book. You recently told me you would apply your deodorant to your chest because I loved the smell of it. It’s true, I think I loved it more than the colo...

​ While we’re in the kitchen… The college kids are home for Thanksgiving and so I stocked up on “people food” 🫣 It feels like old times when our fridge is packed but all they eat is cereal. 😆 Your pecan pie is missing. 😥 but if you look closely you’ll find your coke is still waiting for you. (2nd shelf) Thanksgiving was perfect and by that I mean low key, stress free. We did the usual, went to Black Bear and then an event. This year we did Illuminaria at Thanksgiving Point.  It was fun being together again. I didn’t get pictures of all of us. (Missing Abi and jadon) Kinda funny how I’ve stopped obsessing over pictures and focus on being present instead.   I’m so thankful for our kids. You’d be proud of their progress. The littles have enjoyed having the big ones home. They rough house with them like you would. It’s so refreshing.  A full house without you is different. You’re missing but not absent. I feel you. I get unexpected and overwhelming emotions for you th...

​Babe, The best birthday surprise was that I really enjoyed my day.  Like many birthdays past, I spent it locked away. Not at a Hotel this year, this time in our room.  Since you’re not here to gift me a “weekend away”Jennica came home for Thanksgiving break and told me she would babysit for me if I wanted to get away.  She filled your shoes and bought me flowers and treats. 🥰 All the kids went in on a gift for our room. This couch: A cozy place for me to journal (aka sit with you). I’ve spent the entire day with you on my heart.  I don’t know how it’s possible to feel you so close when I’m literally losing more of you with each passing day. Everything that is left of you still has a place in this room.  Your scriptures are still at your bedside.  Your toothbrush is right where you left it. (On top of the mirror where Jadon can’t reach it 😊… never mind. I just looked and it’s gone. He climbed up there and got it. Now your toothbrush is -who knows where??)...

​

​ It took me this long to disconnect your phone. 😕I think I’ve got all your accounts squared away so I won’t need it to verify anything.   I also canceled your unlimited car wash today, and your geek squad membership at BestBuy. (Didn’t know about that one but auto renewal popped up on our Amex). I’ve been carrying a copy of your death certificate in my purse. 😔 the strangest place I had to use it was at Costco to change my name into the primary card holder.  I’m dealing with your death daily. Shutting off your phone hurts more than most things I’ve done.  I’ll still text you. You’re not getting rid of me! 😘 I’m that girl that won’t take the hint when you haven’t responded…for 9 months. 🥰

​  As you know, Jadon loves books. Since I’ve had to box all of his up (he kept throwing them down the stairs) I now have to teach him not to play with “daddy’s books.”   Today he left this on our bedroom floor. 🤣 I told him we would save this book for later and that his daddy was a very wise man. 😍 Thanks for reading books for us Babe! Update: a text I sent to you a week or so later:

​I found myself in my voicemail folder this morning. I wondered if I had a voicemail from you that I saved?   Nope.  I wondered if I had a voicemail from you that was hanging out in the deleted folder.  Nope. (Well, there was one but it was a butt dial. No words I could understand.) I did make you a priority, but really?  I didn’t miss a single phone call from you to capture your voice calling out to me: “BAABES!”  I’m sad about that.  But to your credit, you know I prefer text over phone calls anyway. I love our text thread full of Bitmoji love. 💕  I just wanted to hear your voice today.  😘 

​ I can’t bring myself to remove your water and running gloves from the stroller. I think I’ll carry them with us wherever we go. ❤️ 

​ babe!! Jadon took me to new levels of exhaustion today. I’ve been a mom for 24 years and he’s our 6th child but he is out of my league!! I am at a loss. I need outside support. I need wisdom!!  Please send the right people to me. I need to get an autism diagnosis in order to get him set up for any services.  Today was a HARD day. He was like a toy wound up too tight and was out of control. I didn’t know how to help, how to stop his misbehaving, or how to redirect him. 💔  I’m exhausted and I hate that I’m so relieved he is asleep. The messes he made today 🤯 Something is different with him. He’s entering a new phase of energy.  He needs more support. I need more support.  Help me navigate this Babe. 😘 

​The number one thing I loved most about you was you were a man of God. At 18 years old  you talked about God effortlessly. It didn’t come off preachy, or “holier than thou.” You were a spiritual teenager. I’d never seen one like you. 😇😍 You weren’t afraid to live your religion or worship. That was so attractive to me.  Tonight a friend took me to the Brandon Lake concert. I loved it.  It was so refreshing to get away from the house for the evening   That’s entertainment worth spending money on. I love worshipping through music.  I thought about you many times.   I love that you love God. 🥰 it’s still sexy to me. 😘 I don’t understand our life right now but I know He’s got a bigger plan. He is a mighty God and He is taking care of us.   Thank you for leading our family out on how to worship.  I love you forever! 💋 

  YouTube Shorts:

​  I’m officially an old lady. I sat in my cozy chair reading the paper  (for the first time…ever)  with my chai tea and the headline actually pertained to me.  Social security benefits will rise 2.8% in 2026. Thankfully, me and the 3 kids under 18 get to collect your SS monthly. Currently the amount is just a tad short for our budget. This increase will be perfect! I am so grateful for you Babe!    I remember having a conversation with you on our 3 or 4th date. (Me 16 you 18 years old) The date where we sat at the city park talking for hours late into the night. One of the things you shared with me was you were scared you wouldn’t provide well for your family someday. (Because of your lack of college prospects) This sounded absurd to me because you looked drenched in potential and I could see Gods hand in your life. I never doubted you. You continued to find success and opportunities.  Look at you Oberlin and Columbia Grad! 🎓 Because of YOU our life...