The Other Side

                                             The best part of my day today was mowing the lawn.   It made me happy.   The second best part was watching the sprinklers.   I thought of you laughing at me while I watch them.   I know you would have enjoyed watching them with me today.   It was a gorgeous night.   I would have shown you all the new grass that is starting to sprout in the places I repaired last fall.   The front lawn is looking amazing, if I do say so myself.   I am so proud of my master piece.   Today I completed leveling the hill in the backyard and I reseeded it.   I watched the sprinklers run on that section twice today. 😆  Mom and I saw a snake by the rock wall and it didn’t even bother me.   🙄 What explains that?   It’s probably the one you let get away last year.   (Thanks a lot) Our...

  Last night Joshua was trying to be a “Tuff guy” so he went into the bathroom and watered himself down and came out to flex for me and grandma.  I asked him why he was all wet and he said because that’s how tuff guys look when they are strong…like Dad.  😁 FYI: You got a notice in the mail that your firearms permit expires on 7/21 I took all those cargo pants you just bought to the DI. I'm sad I didn't get to see you in your Rambo gear.

It’s been 60 days. I think about you all day. I’ll admit I didn’t think about you all day, like this, when you were alive. Why is it all encompassing like this? It’s catching up to me.  I feel exhausted, like I’m wearing a weighted blanket.   I worked outside with mom all day.  You know that usually puts me in my happy place, but it didn’t.  I was sad.  Yesterday I cried (well, sobbed is a better word) during the sacrament hymn.  I sat next to Saysha, she has a beautiful voice and the hymn was so comforting  to me.   I just sat there and cried.   After lunch I took a 3 hour nap.  I could have slept longer but I made myself get up so I could  s leep at night.   I went to bed again exhausted.   I woke this morning feeling heavy, but I have a Monday morning walking date with Annie.  Exercise helped but I can tell I’m not myself.    I am glad mom is here because I'm not self motiva...

  Today I took your truck in to get the crack in the windshield replaced.    I’ve already had to change your oil, get a flat tire fixed in the van, register the van, and fix the crack in the van windshield.   All these things are things I would’ve turned over to you.   Look at me grow! ☺️Payment for the new car and house insurance policy posted the night before you passed.  Man your timing was impeccable.  Thanks for getting us set up.  I looked through your text messages and saw who your agent was and reached out to him.  We got you removed and Jace added.  Oh!  Your new drivers license arrived while you were in AZ.  I forgot to tell you when you returned.  We pulled it out of the envelop and handed it over to the Detective the day you passed away.  It was used for the first and last time in the same day. Today was a rainy cold day, the perfect day to clean out our closet and do laundry!    I made a DI pile...

 

  This new reality is bitter sweet. I feel both joy and sorrow in the morning. Every morning I have to decide to either get up and go or sit and sulk.  If the sun is out it helps.  The problem is, you aren’t here to pull the blinds open and let the sunshine in and jumpstart my day,  like you always did.  So, from inside the bed I guess what the scene is outside.  Spring is helping me along.  Our trees are in full bloom and our yard is full of color.  I’ll pull open the blinds and sit at the window like a cat and absorb the morning rays.   You aren’t here to make the bed the second I step away. ( I loved that morning gift you gave to me, by the way. How many times did I complain that you made the bed before I was done? 😆 I think of that when I return to our room and see the bed is still unmade.  You never missed a day.  I know you were making the bed for me. I know it made you happy to make me happy…you said as much!...

  On the weekends, I let Joshua sleep in our bed with me.  This weekend, sometime in the night, his foot touched mine and naturally I thought it was you.  Everything about it felt familiar. His touch brought an instant safety and warmth. It was a bitter sweet moment.   I wished I stayed in the slumber stupor a little longer.   It was real.  It was you, and I wasn’t alone.  My heart ached as I realized I would never feel your touch again.    Sunday was Easter.   After church, we went to the cemetery and spent time at your grave.   Joshua wondered if he poured water on you if you would soften and come back alive again. (He got this idea from a cartoon called Dead Sea Squirrels.  Two squirrels were dried up (petrified) for centuries at the Dead Sea but when they were rained on they came alive again.   He turned to me and said: “Dad’s body was hard like stone… We should try that the next time we go ...