The Other Side

​Sorry mom. I don’t want to go to dad’s grave today because I need to get to my list.  Me: what list? 9 year old: My list of responsible things I need to do to be a good worker. Me: Oh! That’s very responsible of you. What is on your list? 9 year old: Things like I did this morning that weren’t magic. You know, feeding the cat and unloading the dishwasher. I need to clean my room and do other things that will be helping you. I can dump your bucket of water for you. (The pool pump leaks and I have to dump a bucket every 2-3 hours) 💪  Me: I’m down with that!  Let’s go home. 🥰 So babe, that’s why we’re not visiting your grave today. 📋 

Hey Babe! Most days, I can move along and do ok while still carrying you on my heart.  I don’t cry every day anymore. I think I moved past that around the year mark in February.  I felt a shift that day. I wanted to be stronger in all the healthy ways. I wanted to wake up and face the day with intention instead of viewing it as another day without you.   I made it through all the “firsts.” For 365 days, every single day, I was surviving without you. And it was work.  I asked God to help me live a more intentional life once that first year passed.   The very next morning, I felt the shift. I didn’t feel sorry for myself anymore. I wasn’t living an incomplete day. It felt like life had potential again instead of limits. As long as I have routine, I do ok.  But when sunny days turn to rain and clouds, so does my mood.  The weather changed on Sunday… and so did I.   I want to escape when the sun hides.  I don’t want to be in mom mode.  I don...

​ Babe!  I just walked passed Jadon after dumping my bathroom waste basket. He looked at me and said: “Hi mom. What are you doing with my garbage can?” 👏 That’s the first time he has ever greeted me with Hi mom 🥰  (His bus driver prompts him to say Hi mom EVERYDAY and he never does it!) And he’s starting to talk in sentences!! 🙌 I’ve noticed a change in his speech this week. He was looking at a book yesterday when he paused, looked at me and said: “mom, you need to relax.” 😆 where did that come from??  It sounds like he is saying phrases from things on tv or something but he doesn’t watch tv. He watches a curious George dvd…he doesn’t talk  🤪 Just now I heard him yell “I’m flying!!! As he ran up the stairs. 😆 Then I heard Joshua say: “Jadon be careful!” So I ran to see what was going on. I saw this 🫣 🤷🏻‍♀️  He is starting to express himself more.  He says the funniest things in the cutest voice. He asked me yesterday: “Where is daddy’s toys?” What ...

​ Today is Joshua’s 9th birthday!  He is the best kid. He is funny, polite, and still has a crush on me! 🥰 We went bowling 🎳 tomorrow we will have our family birthday dinner. He asked me if you could see him and if you knew what his presents were. 😇 I told him you bet! 👍  He was happy about that.  He said: “Of course he can see me.  He can see me all the time, right?” 🥰 We feel you near Babe! 😘  We’ve all had a birthday without you now. 💔 

Hey Babe!  I was outside watering dead spots on the lawn while Joshua was in the pool.  He was waiting patiently for me to be through with the hose so he could play with it.  "Are you done?" He asked over and over again.  "Almost" I kept answering but also kept finding dry spots.  "Mom!" He calls out to me in a different tone, but demanding my attention.  "Almost." I repeat, in the "mother tone."  "No, mom. It's not that." He says in frustration. I turn to face him. His little face, smashed with goggles and a nose plug, is bobbing out of the deep end.  "You're pretty." He says.  "What?" I wasn't expecting that!   "I wasn't asking about the hose." He confesses.  "I was saying you're pretty. " This reminded me of you. I'm in no way pretty today but he saw something pretty as he watched me water the lawn in my pajamas in the middle of the day.  That's when you...

  I'm a Queen without a King.  Joshua:  Do you want to get married? 😘 Me:  "No! I want you as my Butler!" We're on day 2 of King Joshua III.   (Why the 3rd?? No idea) Joshua said: "The "Royal Throne" has to be Dad's chair!" Your successor is doing a pretty good job.  He has a kind heart like you.   He is protecting the Hobi Kingdom from wild beasts. (dead mouse Trixy dropped) Remember when we lived in Connecticut, we'd always catch a mouse in a trap when you would leave town.  Ugh!   I hated that.   I paid "Holiday+Weekend+Emergency fees to get them removed once.  Now the kingdom has a cat so I guess that’s better than nothing.    

Hey Babe!  I like to drive your truck because I feel closer to you.  It doesn't smell like you anymore but that can be fixed with a wet towel from swimming. 😂 For years your truck smelled like a pool and hot leather.   I put on your sunglasses when I was driving yesterday...and cried.  I'm realizing I do a lot of crying while driving.   The song  Somebody  played and the perfect storm was created. 🥰😭   I was interrupted  by Joshua in the backseat, totally oblivious of my sob session saying: "Mom? Can you turn off the music for one second?"  I turned the volume down. "Mom.  What does autograph mean?" He asked. I tell him an autograph is someones name written down and then given to someone.   "So, if you wrote Joshua on a piece of paper and then gave it to me I would have your autograph."  I explained.   I don't know what caused him to think about that at that moment. He got lost in his own t...

  On the weekends, I let Joshua sleep in our bed with me.  This weekend, sometime in the night, his foot touched mine and naturally I thought it was you.  Everything about it felt familiar. His touch brought an instant safety and warmth. It was a bitter sweet moment.   I wished I stayed in the slumber stupor a little longer.   It was real.  It was you, and I wasn’t alone.  My heart ached as I realized I would never feel your touch again.    Sunday was Easter.   After church, we went to the cemetery and spent time at your grave.   Joshua wondered if he poured water on you if you would soften and come back alive again. (He got this idea from a cartoon called Dead Sea Squirrels.  Two squirrels were dried up (petrified) for centuries at the Dead Sea but when they were rained on they came alive again.   He turned to me and said: “Dad’s body was hard like stone… We should try that the next time we go ...