Skip to main content

Bad day

 

Hey Babe!

Longest day ever!! 

I’m grumpy. 

I barely got through bedtime. 

I told Joshua he wasn’t sleeping with me tonight and he said: 

“You can’t just break your covenant!!” 😆

(covenant being; he can sleep in my room when it is not a school night??)

That made me laugh, but yes I can, and I will with this one. 

I’ve changed my mind. He isn’t sleeping with me on weekends anymore. 

I want to be ALONE!  

Jadon has slept with me the past 2 nights because he’s sick. I’ve had enough vomit, poop and feet in my face.

  Our bed is stripped and I’m sleeping in it anyway all alone! (Me and the Graham cracker crumbs! 😫) 

Every time I was on the phone I was interrupted by kids. It’s so frustrating! 

 How can they time it so well? 

Jadon gets naked when I'm on the phone and tries to run to the pool.  

I see I need to make some time for teaching phone etiquette.

 Tonight was my Addiction Recovery meeting and every time I was speaking, someone was at the door trying to get inside. 😤

Is it too much to ask to be ignored for an hour?

  I’m calling a family council meeting this weekend.  I’m starting to resent these people we call our kids.

 I need them to step up more. I can’t do it all.

 Can you schedule us in sometime this weekend for family interventions?  I'll do the talking and you do the striking fear in them.

Wreck it Ralph said it best:

“It’s kind of hard to love your job when no one seems to love you for doing it.”

I feel like I’m never stopping and so many things are still not getting done.

 The older kids aren’t doing their dish days. It’s making me crazy!  I need the kitchen clean!!

 I need people to pick up messes they didn’t make.

 I need help. 

I get people asking me all the time how they can help. 

 I need the help they can not give. 

 I need extra love, patience, long suffering. 

I need to wake up each day and ignore the heavy cloud that hangs over me and makes me cold. 

 I need a fresh mind to remember all the things I need to remember. 

 I need more hours in the day, and the days to go by faster. 

 I need our kids to be proactive, and helpful.

 But, they are suffering too and we all hate doing the dishes. 

If one person doesn't do their day, the person scheduled next isn't going to do them, and it goes on.  😫

 Then it becomes my problem. 

I don't want it to be my problem!

  I just want the kitchen clean every day! 

 I'm doing the yard work, the laundry, the shopping, the bathing, the bedtimes, the school schedules, the play times, the errands...

JUST DO THE DISHES!!! 

 I'm sure I could arrange a kitchen crew of volunteers from our neighborhood who would happily come and do our dishes each day, but that's ridiculous,

 I want our kids to do it.  

I want them to help me.  

They are capable.  

This is where you would always step in, clean the kitchen and reset the problem, but you're not here for the reset. (Which I hated, by the way.🤨  How many times did you rescue Abi from her neglected dishes??  It did solve the mess but it clearly didn't solve the problem because, here we are. 🙄 

I see the "peace" your response was though.  That's my problem.  I don't have the capacity to do the dishes when they are left.

 My "Peacemaker" died!😇) 

Instead I send mean texts:


I’m ugly inside tonight. You’re not missing out on much this night. 

I hope tomorrow I am nice again. 

I want to be a good mom, and I want our kids to see me as one who keeps her covenants. 😆.

 I met with Liz this week, her counsel to me was to work on how to:  "Love being a mom."  

You of all people know, I've always loved being a mom and my fear is I'm loosing it.

 I don't want to loose it.  

She is right, I need to make the changes to ensure I keep loving what I do. 

 I need to take care of me so I can take care of them and love doing it.  

Help me out? I'll ponder on some changes we can make in the home and you haunt them in their dreams. 🙄 

I miss you a lot.  

You are the person I need to buoy me up. 

You've always recognized my efforts as a mother.  You honored me for it. 

 Thank you.

 

Stay close! 🤟🏻

Love ,

“Your Babes”

I listened to this talk after a good nights sleep. 

 With God, I can do this!  We can do this.




Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Cause of Death

  Babe!   What the heck?!   I picked up your Autopsy and Toxicology  report yesterday.    Cardiovascular disease?? Myocardial fibrosis?? Pulmonary edema???   How is that real? How does that equal this: How does this make sense? We get this report 👆saying your  biological age is 11.7 years younger than your calendar age and then 10 days later you are gone?! The only time I ever heard you mention something about your heart was a week before you died !  We talked about the surprising blood results concerning your heart and I asked you if you felt any of it.   You said: "No" with a mouthful of spinach. You admitted your heart hurt recently because we were fighting.  "Being distant from you has been really hard on me." You said.  "My heart hurt a lot." I thought you were being dramatic! 🙄🤯🥰. You said you were sure the next round of blood results in July would be better because we were better.   The only red flag w...
3 comments
Read more

Today

 Today is July 16, 2025.  It's a normal day today, nothing unusual going on here, BUT today, 4 years ago, changed everything for us.   Today is July 16, 2021- the day we had our first session with Liz. I remember it well. I had the worst stomach ache during the session and the rest of the night.  I did not want to address the issues I had stuffed for 23 years.  I just want to run from them and you. I wrote: "It was his idea to see a Counselor.  I protested, confident it would not work, simply because I did not want it to work" Today is July 16, 2022- a year into our "repair."  While reporting to Liz in an email  I realized it was exactly 365 days from our first visit with her.  I wrote:   " Not only do I believe in love- I believe love   has the ability to create miracles!" Today is July 16, 2023- I am away for the weekend locked up in a room to recharge and write.  While in my journal I find an old post fro...
Post a Comment
Read more

Different sides

  Babe, In the morning, my body aches, and all I've done is open my eyes. Why does grief do this?  It's like death is mocking me for being alive. Why is this kicking in now?  It has been 4 months but I feel worse today than I ever have. It hurts more. I forget to breathe and then I can't catch my breath.  It is too shallow. I think part of my oxygen supply died with you. Daily this week, it feels like I am on the verge of a panic attack.  My heart feels heavy, along with my shoulders and back.  It's so heavy that I don't even try to carry the weight of it anymore.  When it gets too much, I let it go.  I cry where ever I am.   Today that was sitting at a table at the City Library.  I sat there and sobbed and it felt so good. Then I was able to move forward and be productive with my homework. First thing in the morning yesterday, I could feel the weight.  I decided to leave the kids home from church and I walked alone, hopin...
Post a Comment
Read more