The Other Side

 

 

  Babe, In the morning, my body aches, and all I've done is open my eyes. Why does grief do this?  It's like death is mocking me for being alive. Why is this kicking in now?  It has been 4 months but I feel worse today than I ever have. It hurts more. I forget to breathe and then I can't catch my breath.  It is too shallow. I think part of my oxygen supply died with you. Daily this week, it feels like I am on the verge of a panic attack.  My heart feels heavy, along with my shoulders and back.  It's so heavy that I don't even try to carry the weight of it anymore.  When it gets too much, I let it go.  I cry where ever I am.   Today that was sitting at a table at the City Library.  I sat there and sobbed and it felt so good. Then I was able to move forward and be productive with my homework. First thing in the morning yesterday, I could feel the weight.  I decided to leave the kids home from church and I walked alone, hopin...

 They say grief comes in waves.  Yup.  For whatever reason, I can't get it together this week! I've already cried in the Temple, in the shower, at the library, in Swig drive thru, while watering plants, while cleaning the pool and in bed.  It's only Wednesday.  At least I'm being productive while crying, right?     I couldn't stay awake this afternoon after getting up early for the temple, so I snuck away to the bedroom.  (All the big kids were gone. My desperate need for naps always happen when they aren't here to help).  Jadon found me in less than 10 minuets and I handed him my phone.   I didn't care what he did with it, as long as he let me sleep! (And by that I mean, I turned on Minno and crossed my fingers that he wouldn't find YouTube reels 😆) For the next hour he walked me like a plank!!   He wouldn't stop jumping, and body slamming himself on me.   I was in survival mode and just took it. I didn't ...

  Last night I was lost in the heartache. I woke up this morning with puffy eyes, body aches, and more tears. But then Joshua climbed into bed with me and licked my face, he was pretending to be a cat, and insisted I "pet his belly." And Jadon wanted to water the flowers outside with me. No time for wallowing in my sorrows. 😆 You left me a beautiful life to care for, and the means to do it.  💗  Thank you for working so hard to provide for us. Today I will conquer the world in your honor! You know what helps me the most? Remembering how you love me.   I know you are my biggest cheerleader. It's YOU that fuels me to keep going.  My life is beautiful because of us . You are my Everything, Everywhere, Always! 🤟 Stay Close 😘

Babe, Tonight, it hurts, a lot. 😥 Most days I can keep it together.  I can because I feel you near.   You are always with me.  I am always thinking of you. Right now my heart is reaching for you. I don't want to be strong anymore. I want to be held by you. I need to fall apart. 💔    I love you.   🤟 😘

Happy Father's Day Babe!! For lunch, I served your homemade pasta sauce that you froze last year.  It made me cry.  We talked about trying to duplicate this and your enchilada sauce. It's something we love but no one bothered to watch you make it. I know is it takes you all day and the house smells amazing.  I'll never get that perfect kick. 😭 Fall Conference is when you make the enchiladas, Jarom wants to give it a try.  I am so glad we had this in the freezer.   Remember why you had to freeze it? The day you were making it was the day we took Jadon to the Hospital for swallowing the magnets. We were there for 3 weeks so the sauce went straight to the freezer.  Which oddly enough, is the exact day you died, one year later. 🤯 And we are finally enjoying it on our first Father's Day without you.  February 27th is not a good day for us  💔  Tonight, just before bed, Jadon poked a hornet's net on our bedroom patio and got stung by 3-...

  I'm a Queen without a King.  Joshua:  Do you want to get married? 😘 Me:  "No! I want you as my Butler!" We're on day 2 of King Joshua III.   (Why the 3rd?? No idea) Joshua said: "The "Royal Throne" has to be Dad's chair!" Your successor is doing a pretty good job.  He has a kind heart like you.   He is protecting the Hobi Kingdom from wild beasts. (dead mouse Trixy dropped) Remember when we lived in Connecticut, we'd always catch a mouse in a trap when you would leave town.  Ugh!   I hated that.   I paid "Holiday+Weekend+Emergency fees to get them removed once.  Now the kingdom has a cat so I guess that’s better than nothing.    

  You know the Temple is my place of refuge. For all those years when our marriage wasn't doing well, God would fill my cup there.  I'd go to the Temple frustrated, hurt or exhausted and God would comfort my heart and I would walk out the doors stronger than I entered.  I feel known by God inside the Temple.  I don't have to explain myself, justify myself or defend myself.  I just need to show up where I am and He see's me.  For years I'd hear the word JOY spoken over and over and it was so frustrating to me.  JOY was not a word I would use to describe our marriage.  It was HARD!  I didn't see what was in front of me all along. I missed the entire point of the Temple.  Jesus' Atonement. Jesus was crucified by his own people, in His own land.  The words home and f amily could apply. It's the people who love us the most who can hurt us the most, right?  Marriage is a breading ground for a crucification.  We have the potent...

 Hey Babe! I heard some funny things today I wanted to share with you.  First, Jace was harrassing me about Jadon not wearing pants (and his underwear being inside out) 😆.  I told him I was in "survial mode", it's a win that he had underwear on.  Joshua overheard me say this and yelled out to me in disbelief from our room: "Mom!  You are in survival mode?!  I play in survival mode, but only when I am playing Sponge Bob on Minecraft." 😂 At least Joshua is impressed with me! 😂 See, Jadon didn't wear pants on Sunday either. (I was thinking of you when I took this pic. Thanks for the cute kids.) The second thing was Jace asking me if Jadon loved meatballs. "Does he like meatballs?" I repeat. Jace: "Yeah, at the park he wouldn't stop saying meatball s." I reply: "He's saying MONKEY BARS." 😆  Jace felt bad he missed out on that.  They didn't do the monkey bars.🙈 This week was a better week for me.  I made a family sch...

After posting this I realized it sounds like I am suggesting that your pants were found in the oversized king comforter.  Wrong arrangement of words.  Sounds a little frisky.  Too bad that isn't the case.  The pants were pulled up (pun intended) with your phone number.  This one is on me.  Swing by anytime for your pants and a drink. 🤟  

 

                                                                  Hey Teach! Nice Pic! 🤓😍 Caroline dropped off the remainder of your personal belongings and your school photos at home today.  These new piles of you were kind of rude to show up here full of your personality.  Especially your Ironman bag.   Ugh!  Sent me to tears.  I've seen you carry that bag in and out of this house so many times I almost expected to see you walk in the door. I haven't touched it.  It's still sitting in the entry.    Inside the box is a depiction of your brain:  calculator, chargers, books, timers and ...a ball of yarn...??🙄. sounds about right! 😆  (Joshua loves your timers -removed before the pic- he is trying to race around the backyard before they go off, and Jadon loves the ...

     You've missed everything and nothing. The Top 3 things I've missed are: 1. Your daily phone calls (and texts) yelling BABES when i'd answer.     2. You        3. Us  My days have a huge gapping hole where you use to be.  I know you think of me often and you love me always.  I feel you often and hear you tell me!! (Wednesday at the Temple, your message was loud and clear! 😆🥰😘) I. LOVE.YOU! 🤟 Stay Close! 😘 We are 100 days closer to when we will be together again! I ate brownies from your funeral for breakfast. (They froze well 😂😂)