This new reality is bitter sweet. I feel both joy and sorrow in the morning. Every morning I have to decide to either get up and go or sit and sulk. If the sun is out it helps.
The problem is, you aren’t here to pull the blinds open and let the sunshine in and jumpstart my day, like you always did. So, from inside the bed I guess what the scene is outside.
Spring is helping me along. Our trees are in full bloom and our yard is full of color. I’ll pull open the blinds and sit at the window like a cat and absorb the morning rays.
You aren’t here to make the bed the second I step away. ( I loved that morning gift you gave to me, by the way.
How many times did I complain that you made the bed before I was done? 😆 I think of that when I return to our room and see the bed is still unmade.
You never missed a day.
I know you were making the bed for me.
I know it made you happy to make me happy…you said as much!
When I make the bed it makes me happy because it reminds me of you, making me happy.
Reverse psychology at work!
I feel both strength and weakness in my mothering heart.
I think God has given me an extra measure of patience now that you are gone. Remember how hard it was for me to make it through our weekly “putdown” rotations?
I looked forward to my week off almost like it was a holiday! I loved knowing I had the evening free to myself while it was your turn to do the bedtime routine.
My weeks on were manageable because each day into it was a day closer to my week OFF!
Well, you’ve been gone 55 days and every night I have been able to enjoy putdowns. Jennica, and Abi cover for me if/when I’m unavailable.
Jadon is getting the short end of the stick because I have not read “Mr. Brown can Moo” a single time, while you read it to him every night at least twice!! (and I threw away Green eggs and ham…he WORKED you with that book! I don’t have time for that!!)
We pray for you every night. Well…we pray that YOU will watch over us and that GOD will help us while you are away.
Remember our Aaura digital Missionary frame we would put the pictures of whoever was serving a mission? That is now yours. I have about 30 pictures of you displayed on it. I’ll switch them out for new ones each month (because according to my phone, if i search your name i have 2,826 pictures of you).
I catch Jadon looking at that picture frame often. If I ask him: “where is Daddy?” He’ll answer: “Daddy is sleeping with Jesus.” He said that after we saw you at the funeral home.
When I brought him into the room to see you, I was holding him because you were laying on a table. He looked you over, signed DAD and wiggled free and explored the room. He is doing great. I’m sure he misses climbing over your head every time you sat down. Some friends gave this statue to Jace.It reminds me so much of you and Jadon. No matter if you were eating, reading, or tying your shoe. If he saw you sitting he wanted to climb you.
Joshua is taking care of me. Since you two were always competing for me it shouldn’t surprise you that he asks if he can be my new husband all the time. At first he was sleeping in our bed every night but I’ve recently put him on the top bunk in Jadon’s room. He needs his own space and that’ll do until Jace moves out again this Fall. I need my space from him also. He wants to sleep on top of me. Next to me is not close enough. 😂😂 He is your child. 🥰
I recognize the sweet moments at night with the boys as Divine help. Why else would something I struggled with become easy? I must have angels surrounding me during putdowns?
The magic is gone once they are in bed. I hit a wall when the last door closes. I am exhausted and put myself to bed or in a bubble bath.
Our kids are amazing. I see US when I see them.
They are strong and smart like you, and they are independent and resilient like me. The two of us still exist…in six different forms.
Who has the better end of the deal?
It seems you do because you see both sides of life.
I believe you see us. I don’t think you are sitting around watching us but I do believe you are aware of us somehow. It must be hard to peek in on us.
Do you experience FOMO? 😂
I thought for sure you’d find the loophole or portal that would zip you back to us when Joshua was standing next to you at the Funeral home and after seeing -with his own eyes that you were gone- said in his Autistic way:
“Mom! Just get a new husband.” 🙄😳🤯😇 (Again, he is your kid. He sees a problem and he starts to solve it.)
I try to have an eternal perspective. It’s easier for me to envision my future after death than it is seeing myself next year!
My eternal perspective is YOU.
Now that you are gone my future has no images. It has gone blank. My future was always us growing old. I don’t know what I look like without you. I honestly can’t envision my future- my mind goes straight to you. My future has been you since I was 15 years old.
I’ve lived this way once before. I knew I was going to marry you but I had to wait. The time wasn’t ours yet. When you left for your mission I missed you like I do now. Looking back I realize I went into mourning when you left. I couldn’t enjoy outings with my friends and my heart hurt knowing you were gone. So I wrote you letters.
I thought about you every day you were gone. I compared every guy I dated to you. I knew you were the one, and I was willing to wait. I can play this game again because you are still the one and I am willing to wait, we don’t end. We are Eternal.
Stay Close! I love you.
Comments
Post a Comment