Why?

​it snowed today. It was more than anything we’ve gotten the entire winter. I’ve never had to shovel our driveway. I didn’t today. I probably should have. The van didn’t make it into the garage. So it’s sitting at the bottom of the driveway. (Jenn was driving it) I was driving your truck when I went out to ninja class for the boys. The roads were icy. Even in your truck I slid off the roads a few times. The breaks would lock on hills. I hate driving in snow. 

I had plans to run errands, go to the Temple, and attend Janet’s surprise birthday party today but after getting ready I saw the snow falling and I climbed back into bed. I don’t want to do anything. My mind is numb. 

Is it grief?  The snow?

I have a babysitter the entire day and I stayed in bed. I turned on an audiobook I started a few days ago and didn’t move for hours. I dozed off and on and drug myself out of bed to go watch Joshua at his ninja gym class at 5:30pm. 

Now I’m back in bed with our bedroom door locked. I don’t want to be with anyone. Not even a group of Janet’s friends for her birthday. I don’t even want to be with myself. It’s that kind of mood. 

My head hurts..  probably because I haven’t eaten. I don’t want to eat. I want to sit in the dark and escape. 

What am I escaping?? For sure the kids.  I need a break but my one day locked in my room isn’t going to cure me. I’m going to be just as exhausted tomorrow and the rest of the days following. I’m surprised at how sitting in silence isn’t boring. I finished the audiobook now I want to talk to you.  I’m not good company though so I guess it’s good you’re not with me.  I am short tempered, tired, and cold!  

I liked having something to listen to after I put the kids down. I crave an escape to wind down and am trying to avoid doom scrolling and social media. Plugging into an audiobook has been the perfect way to check out. Most the time I fall asleep and wake up in the middle of the night still wearing glasses and headphones.

This book was recommended to me by an older gentleman from church.  I don’t think you knew him.  His name is John. He was here helping me install an interior door to the basement. He asked if I like to read. I laughed. I like the idea of reading 😆 He said he just finished reading it out loud to his wife. I gave it a shot on audiobook. It was wonderful!!

  I love my solitude but not the reason I’m getting it.  I dream of you almost every night but right now you feel distant.  I feel alone.  I’m avoiding my own thoughts.  I don’t understand why I get like this.  I can’t predict when I get like this.  It just shows up and I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck and I carry a scowl on my face. It’s ugly.  Inside and out.

I’m very aware of it but can’t shake it.  I try to muscle through the day and hope for a better tomorrow. 

On a day I had a babysitter all day I chose to sit in bed. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I think I could use a handful of days like this.

Our girls are so sweet. Jennica is my all day babysitter on Wednesdays. Abi made dinner and they demanded I eat. 🥰

I entered the kitchen (scowl in place) and they tell me to eat and poke fun at my sour mood. The sandwich was So good. I devour it and offer a hug to Abi standing over the stove and Jennica laughs at me. I flip her the bird and climb back into bed. 

Will I wake up in a better mood?? I’ve been this way since Sunday. 🫣

I can’t place what I am unhappy about so how can I fix it?

I avoid people like myself 😖🤔

Maybe I’ll browse for a new audiobook. I’m bundled up in bed (on your side) with a warm stomach and a cozy blanket.  Jennica is doing put downs tonight. 🥰  I’ll try to keep you close to my heart.  Visit me in my dreams tonight 😘 I’ll be nice  

I have a good life. We are healthy, fed, and warm. I know I’m loved.