It’s my Birthday

​Babe,

The best birthday surprise was that I really enjoyed my day. 

Like many birthdays past, I spent it locked away. Not at a Hotel this year, this time in our room. 

Since you’re not here to gift me a “weekend away”Jennica came home for Thanksgiving break and told me she would babysit for me if I wanted to get away. 

She filled your shoes and bought me flowers and treats. 🥰

All the kids went in on a gift for our room. This couch:

A cozy place for me to journal (aka sit with you).

I’ve spent the entire day with you on my heart. 

I don’t know how it’s possible to feel you so close when I’m literally losing more of you with each passing day. Everything that is left of you still has a place in this room. 

Your scriptures are still at your bedside. 

Your toothbrush is right where you left it. (On top of the mirror where Jadon can’t reach it 😊… never mind. I just looked and it’s gone. He climbed up there and got it. Now your toothbrush is -who knows where??)

Your clothes keep the closet from feeling abandoned and your shoes remind me of where we’ve been. I like it that way. 

It was the bookshelf that I purged today. I went through your “piles.” School papers, college books, and mission memories. 

In going through your personal papers I was happy to see that a letter from 17 year old me was in the mix. 😊 this letter came full circle. It’s back in my hands (29 years later) and you’re on the Lord’s errand again. It’s ok. I’ll wait for you…again. 😘

I’m confused at how Ioved I feel when your arms aren’t here to hold me.  My brain tells me you are gone but my heart is with you. 

I’ve cried off and on today but they are tears of a full heart. How can death mean you will never be here again but I’m not lonely?

I don’t understand it, but you are apart of me. It feels like I can feel you in my own emotions. (I’m just now putting these thoughts to words.) 

 I feel comforted by you when I’m missing you that’s why I am not lonely. 

I feel you crying with me while grieving. Thats why you don’t feel lost. 

I feel you smiling with me while I’m parenting that’s why I keep texting you. 

I feel you cheering me on when I am exhausted that’s how I keep going. 

I’m not without you. You are ever present. 

This must be true because nothing else can explain how I am surviving without you. 

How can I still feel joy when I think about Christmas alone?

How can I feel blessed when I wake up everyday without you?

How can I feel peace while being a single parent?

Why do I feel grateful for life when you’re not in it??

None of it makes sense. I’m a pretty independent woman but this isn’t me being strong. It’s my mortality infused with your immortality. It’s a sealed marriage that death cannot end. 

You told me in the Temple that we were still in this together and you would be available anytime I needed you. This is what you were talking about, isn’t it?  We are one. We are literally still one, even in death! 😇

I feel you Babe. It’s taken me a good part of this year to figure out what happened to you. It’s a new love language we get to tap into. When I invite you into my emotions you meet me there. You’re not in my head. I’m not “thinking” this up.  I feel you (your personality, your presence) in my emotions. All the emotions. Grief is all over the place. 

I know you’re proud of me Babe. Let me repeat- it’s not because I am strong. It’s because YOU make me strong. Something about you has always driven me to my best. Remember when we ran hurdles in high school and you’d hold my blocks when I’d set up for a race?  You said you would keep them from “slipping” (😉😉) so I could have a strong start. You’re doing it again. You’re providing support while I’m running these hurdles. I don’t really believe my blocks would “slip” or give way to my explosive start 🤣 but I do believe I ran my best because I knew you were watching me run. 🤨

Thanks for you support Babe. What a gift today has been. 🎈 

My tears are yours. 💗 your heart is MINE! We’ve got this 👊 

I love you. 🤟🏻

Stay close! 😘