The Bridegroom

 

Babe,

You know the Temple is my place of refuge. For all those years when our marriage wasn't doing well, God would fill my cup there.  I'd go to the Temple frustrated, hurt or exhausted and God would comfort my heart and I would walk out the doors stronger than I entered.  I feel known by God inside the Temple.  I don't have to explain myself, justify myself or defend myself.  I just need to show up where I am and He see's me.  For years I'd hear the word JOY spoken over and over and it was so frustrating to me.  JOY was not a word I would use to describe our marriage.  It was HARD!  I didn't see what was in front of me all along. I missed the entire point of the Temple.  Jesus' Atonement.

Jesus was crucified by his own people, in His own land.  The words home and family could apply. It's the people who love us the most who can hurt us the most, right?  Marriage is a breading ground for a crucification.  We have the potential to really hurt our partner. 

The Temple has changed for me again since you've been gone.  I feel especially drawn to the Endowment because I am reminded of my role as Eve, and your role as Adam, and how we challenged each other with our agency and dragged each other through the wilderness, all the while playing hide and seek from God, as Satan stirred our pot.

In our crisis, I remember you saying no one has hurt you like I have. I think about that when I am at the Temple now.  I think about how my sins of omission and commission effected you- just like Eve's did to Adam. I think about the marriage sealing and how we "hold hands" over the altar as symbolism of our relationship to Jesus, on the cross.  Marriage is linked to the crucification!  

 

How have I never made this connection?! Marriages are a Gethsemane! (some more than others.) Our marriage has taught me more about Christ than any Sunday meeting. And by marriage I mean struggles.😆 The longer I sit and ponder the similarities of Christ Atonement to marriage, the deeper the rabbit hole gets.  It's beautiful! The parable of the Bridegroom keeps getting better!

Husbands and wives will wound each other in their homes. Families will be hurt, but Jesus can heal and help them overcome all of it.  You knew that.  I had to see it to believe it. We wounded each other, (with the help of Satan telling half truths and encouraging me to hide) and it almost ended us.  I thought we were broken because we were "good" people but our marriage didn't fit the Joy mold.  I wasn't hearing the message that families weren't perfect.  All I heard was Joy, Joy, JOY!  

We gain access to God through Jesus, right?  We need Jesus to help us live at a higher level to be in His presence.  Until recently, I never considered applying that principle to marriage! We gain access to the higher levels of marriage when we each access Jesus. A Temple marraige is "Jesus powered" and there are levels of Joy! Who knew?! Not us! 😂 Until we did...🤯

Our relationship started at Adam and Eve status, innocent and sinless at first. (for...a week?? 😂)  Our goal was to get back to God, but the covenant path went right through Satans playground, where he seduces us to turn against each other. (Which we did for 23 years!)  We almost didn't make it.  

During our crisis, I felt like I was hanging by a thread to Jesus.  I am so sad you and I didn't get to talk about this picture before you died.  It represents my side of our Miracle.

Jesus asked me to give him my 23 years of resentment.  I was clinging to them like they were saving me, when in reality they were keeping me away from you.  I decided to give them over to Him, mostly because I was tired of carrying it, not because I was willing to forgive.  That came months later.  I love that Jesus took baby steps with me.  He met me where I was and eventually I came full circle and we enjoyed a full measure of marriage.  I am blown away with what Jesus did with us.  I didn't believe we could be different. 

We finally arrived...only to be placed on hold. 😭  The timing of your passing seems way too intentional.  Instead of being angry, I am thankful.  Thankful that we didn't give up.  Thankful that YOU fought for us. Thankful that "God heals what He seals!"  We've leveled up to a new phase in our Eternal marriage.  The PHYSICAL world was brutal, 🤪 but we made it!  (well, you did) I am so proud of YOU and the effort you put into your journey with me.  You are such a great example of enduring to the end.  It was your relationship with God that I admired most, at your ripe old age of 17.  I love the way you have always honored your Priesthood and that you taught our family how/why to put God first.  Up to your dying day you were working on being better.  I'll keep trying to improve to speed up our reunion.😘

Now, in the Temple, I don't only hear the word Joy, I feel Joy.  I see where imperfect marriages DO fit in. The Endowment is all about a struggling marriage ...and how Jesus heals it!  

My takeaways are. 1. Satan is always hanging around Adam and Eve(marriages)

2.  Marriage is tied to the crucifixion.

3. Jesus is always the answer. 🧐  🤯

I love going to the temple and being reminded of who I am. 

I am not a Widow. I have not lost you. I am yours.

I am still your bride, preparing to meet  "The Bridegroom." 

All I need to do is wait...and believe. 

Until then, I will bring my oil lamp with me each week and get it filled by you. ♥️ 

  

I feel you (and Him) are near. I know it is you I am feeling because I've experienced you. (I can't wait for the veil to be taken from me so I can recognize and know our Savior and Heavenly Parents, like I do you.) You are taking my temple experience to a whole new level.  

I close my eyes and you are with me.  I feel known. I don't have to explain myself, justify myself or defend myself.  I just need to show up where I am.   We are still one, in Christ.  I sit next to the box of tissues, and we cry together. I can't help it.  The tears can't be stopped and my sobs are so healing. 

It's an experience. You are alive again.  It's the feeling only YOU give to me.  I am clinging to you now instead of those resentments.  I want time to stop in those moments I am with you again.  I feel complete, safe, and peaceful with you there.  I remember you, I remember us. Because of you I am feeling stronger. Jesus is still healing us. 😇. 

The Temple opens the eyes to my heart ♥️ 

YOU are my forever.  I. LOVE. YOU 🤟

Stay close!😘

My favorite song to listen to on the way to the Temple.