60 days
Remember when I took this picture? I teased you that I was excited that you invited Christopher Columbus to bed with us. Not just one book, but 5!! I love that smirk on your face. 🥰
I think about you all day. It’s been 60 days. It’s catching up to me. I feel exhausted, like I’m wearing a weighted blanket. I worked outside with mom all day. You know that usually puts me in my happy place, but it didn’t. I was sad. Yesterday I cried (well, sobbed is a better word) during the sacrament hymn. I sat next to Saysha, she has a beautiful voice and the hymn was so comforting to me. I just sat there and cried. After lunch I took a 3 hour nap. I could have slept longer but I made myself get up so I could sleep at night. I went to bed again exhausted. I woke this morning feeling heavy, but I have a Monday morning walking date with Annie. Exercise helped but I can tell I’m not myself. I am glad mom is here because I'm not self motivated right now.
While Abi and I were in the closet I asked her if she could still smell you. We both spent the next few minutes sniffing all your clothes. We were only able to trace your scent from your leather jacket I had just brought up from the coat closet. I’ve even taken a hit to your socks hoping for something, but I get nothing. You are an abnormal clean guy.
“Where is his cologne? Abi asked.
I opened the top drawer, picked it up, removed the lid, and inhaled a bit too aggressively. I was moved to tears instantly. I set the bottle down and walked back into the closet and warned Abi about the cruel power that bottle held, and fought back the tears. It hurts to smell you but not see you.
I’ve been told grief comes in waves. For whatever reason, I think I am at high tide right now. My heart aches more than it has. My weak moments aren't only in the car and the bath anymore. I cry off and on all day.
Last week I was crying when Joshua got in the car.
“Mom, are you crying” He asked. More intrigued than concerned.
I told him I really missed you so I was having a sad day, but crying was helping me feel better, and I would be ok after I got all my crying done.
"Let me see you." He requested as he searched my face while pausing before sitting in his seat.
I turn and face him. My eyes fill with more tears as our gazes meet.
"I don't know what you look like crying" He says as he observed my face. (Did he really mean that? He hasn't noticed me crying in these 60 days? Early on he kept telling me he didn't like it when I cried. For the most part I kept it together and saved the tears for my nightly bath. I sensed he felt unsure how HE should feel when I was sad and he was not. I kept telling him it was ok for him to not feel sad and I will have sad days but I'm not crying because I am hurt, I am crying because I am sad.
Satisfied, he sat in his seat and remained quiet during the quick ride home.
When we pulled into the driveway I asked him to go inside without me because I needed more time to cry. He came to me, put his head on my shoulder and hugged me from behind and said: “I’m sorry your sad mom. I could be your new husband.” 😆🥰
When I am down like this you always know the right thing to do. You’d send me to our room for an undisturbed bath, put the kids to bed, and meet me with a pint of Ben&Jerry’s.
I did take a bath tonight. I just sat there wondering why it wasn’t working. Why I don’t crave ice cream, or enjoy the sun like I normally do. I’m tired of living this reality. I know it is not going away. It’s kind of kicking my butt right now. I’ll get through it. I just want to feel sorry for myself tonight. I wish it were you next to me in bed with your pile of books instead of this pile of tissues. I know it would break your heart to see me like this so I'll say the same thing to you I told Joshua:
"I really miss you today, so I'm having a sad day. Crying is helping me feel better, and I will be ok after I get all my crying done.
Stay close! I love you. 😘
