Our Spot

 

On the weekends, I let Joshua sleep in our bed with me.  This weekend, sometime in the night, his foot touched mine and naturally I thought it was you. 

Everything about it felt familiar. His touch brought an instant safety and warmth.

It was a bitter sweet moment.  

I wished I stayed in the slumber stupor a little longer.  

It was real. 

It was you, and I wasn’t alone. 

My heart ached as I realized I would never feel your touch again.   

Sunday was Easter.   After church, we went to the cemetery and spent time at your grave.  

Joshua wondered if he poured water on you if you would soften and come back alive again. (He got this idea from a cartoon called Dead Sea Squirrels.  Two squirrels were dried up (petrified) for centuries at the Dead Sea but when they were rained on they came alive again.  

He turned to me and said: “Dad’s body was hard like stone… We should try that the next time we go to the yard (cemetery) and see if we can get him back” 

I liked his logic. 🥰.

His ideas are apparently better than mine. 

I bought a camping chair from Costco, thinking I would leave it in the trunk so I’d have it with me anytime I was at the cemetery.

  He was helping me unload the car and saw the chair and assumed we were going to go camping.  I told him why I bought it and asked him to leave it in the car. 

He looked at me like I was an idiot.  

“You mean, you're taking it to the place we buried him in the ground?” 

He wanted to be sure he was hearing me right.

“Yes. The Cemetery.” I assured him.  

“When I go visit I’ll have a place to sit.”

He stared at me and slowly said: 

“Mom… you know he’s dead, right?

“Yeah. I know,” I smile amused at his comment and hoping he’ll say more.

He backed away from the car unsure if he wanted this conversation to continue.

“Mom.” He starts, but then his long “Joshua pause” before starting again.

“He’s not going to talk to you! (Another long pause and wide eyes staring at me) 

He’s NOT there!”  He throws up his arms annoyed he has to point out the obvious.

  “He’s in Heaven now!” 

“You’re right!” I agree.

“OK” He turned and walked away from me satisfied.

I laughed at our interaction.  I wondered how odd that would have sounded to an outsider.  

Joshua has a very matter of fact approach to your passing. I am trying to be transparent with my emotions to help him express his. You're going to love his thoughts about all of this. It’s a letter for its own topic.

When we arrived at the Cemetery today he held my hand as we walked to our spot. 

 I asked him if he brought water to test it out on you.  He laughed and said he didn’t. 

I told him I brought the Costco chair. 

Joshua sat in it…not me. He looks pretty satisfied with my idea don’t you think. 😂

 I like your resting place.  Jarom and Jennica came with me when we looked at this particular cemetery.  

The big trees reminded us of Waveny Park in CT.  and we loved it right away.  

When I went to pick a plot, we bounced around the property for about 20 minuets.  I knew the right spot would present itself, I just needed to wait for it to pick us.  When we arrived at a plot next to a tree on the North/West end, I knew it was the place because tears came from out of nowhere. 

This is our spot.  

I purchased a plot for myself right on top of you! 

You’re saving my spot! 

Keep it warm for me.  

Your (our) headstone was ordered last week. I designed it myself. That was a bizarre project. 

I wanted something simple but unique to us. I didn’t like anything pre-made so I came up with something myself. 

Our Covenants to each other and to God is what this life boiled down to right?  When we are both dead and gone I want our love story to live on. 

I felt the words “What God seals He heals” sums up our relationship. Our names in a heart with rings have a love story vibe. We have a cool love story. I didn’t put my name as “The Babes” 😆 I know you would have tried that.

I was quoted a certain price for a 36x18 size but it turned out it was the price for the 36x14 instead so I needed to either change my order to the smaller size or pay more money.  I asked them to give me a few hours to think about it.  About 15 min later I got a text saying:

“Ok, I just got off the phone with the Monument company and they said that they could do either stone and they’re not going to charge any extra if you want to do the bigger stone.  I’m not exactly sure why but that is awesome!  You shouldn’t have to pay any more money and you can get the size that you would like.”

My response:

“If you knew my husband this wouldn’t surprise you! 😇😂. He was a master negotiator and always left with the best price and new friends.”

I felt you were taking care of business for me.  

Thank you.