daddy’s truck

Hey Babe!

Most days, I can move along and do ok while still carrying you on my heart. 

I don’t cry every day anymore. I think I moved past that around the year mark in February. 

I felt a shift that day. I wanted to be stronger in all the healthy ways. I wanted to wake up and face the day with intention instead of viewing it as another day without you.  

I made it through all the “firsts.” For 365 days, every single day, I was surviving without you. And it was work. 

I asked God to help me live a more intentional life once that first year passed.  

The very next morning, I felt the shift. I didn’t feel sorry for myself anymore. I wasn’t living an incomplete day. It felt like life had potential again instead of limits.

As long as I have routine, I do ok. 

But when sunny days turn to rain and clouds, so does my mood. 

The weather changed on Sunday… and so did I.  

I want to escape when the sun hides. 

I don’t want to be in mom mode. 

I don’t want to be the one in charge. 

I watch the clock and wait for the day to be over. 

Nothing gets done. I just wait for the kids to fall asleep so I can finally be alone. 

Today I woke up to another “off” day. Snow on the mountains. Rain in our pool. 

I’ve been waiting all day for the day to be over. 

But here I am at 10pm with the littles piled into your truck waiting for Abi to get off work. (Driver’s license coming next month 🙌)

Jadon is flipping through Michael Jackson songs like ADHD with a soundtrack, and Joshua is gathering coins like he just inherited your truck and everything in it.  

He asked if he could keep all the money he found.  

I told him it was yours, not mine… just to see what he’d say. 

He thought about it for a second and said,  

“Well… since dad is dead, I think he would want me to have it because he can’t spend it and I can.” 

“How much money did you find?” I asked.

“Like a dozen,” he said casually, trying to downplay his loot. 

I let him keep it. 

On the way into the house, he shuffled his feet so the coins jingled in his pockets and I heard him whisper:  

“I’m rich.”  

…followed by an evil laugh. 😎

Now it’s almost 11pm. None of us are asleep yet.  

I wanted to be 15 hours ago. 😵‍💫

If you were here, I wouldn’t have to bring the entire clan with me to pick up Abi.  

But if you were here… Joshua wouldn’t be filthy rich either