Batchelor Degree ✅
Babe!!
I did it! I’m finished! Today I submitted my final assignment! If you were here I know just what you’d do. You’d be coming home about now with a bouquet of flowers, a babysitter arranged and a night planned to celebrate! (And I would say, let's grab some food and hide in our bedroom instead of go out)
But what I crave most is your face. I know that look on your face when you are proud of me.
I just want to see your soft brown eyes look at me the way you do and then say: “Is it bad that I want to swear?” 🥰
I feel absolutely exhausted.
These last 6 months the took everything out of me to keep going. I’ve had to set aside my emotional days (as much as I could) and keep going when every part of my being wants to fall apart.
I’ve needed caffeine to keep going, check lists, countdowns, babysitters, extra time from my teachers and therapy session to get through this.
I hate that I finished this without you because you started it with me in 2021. This degree has been about US! Every assignment, every class, has been helpful to our marriage. Every single class has been applicable to our situation. The one I am most thankful for is the budgeting class last January. You and I got all our finances together. Because of that, I’ve been able to avoid a lot of hassle and stress after your funeral. I knew exactly what our budget is and where I could cut costs. You were a huge help in that class. I am so glad we did it together so this isn’t so hard.
God is making sure I have the right tools. I’ve taken classes on families in crises, family theories, family systems, and sadly marital dynamics right after you died. All things I need in my back pocket right now. I used our family as a case study to pick up the pieces after your funeral. I needed to asses everyone and their needs(including my own) to know where to begin this new life. It helped me to make sense of the new normal and know what resources were needed.
I’ve written 5 page papers every week for the last 6 months forcing my mind to research behavior, relationships, and families. You are apart of every assignment and on my mind through it all. I know, if you were here, we’d spend all evening talking about the topics I’m researching, because that’s what we did before you were gone. Thankfully my Research Methods class didn’t require all the math we expected. I’d be doomed. My grades shifted from A’s to all C’s. My mantra became “C’s get degrees!” My teachers were great. They allowed me to turn in late assignments, which was so helpful because stress made my emotions so unpredictable. The days I had big deadlines were the days I couldn’t keep it together. I think I feared failing and having to start all over again. I’ve been in survival mode and I worried even my best wasn’t going to cut it. I could only afford to study for 3 hours mid morning. Jennica, Abi and Jace would take turns watching the littles while I’d go to the Library. (And what I mean by that is: they would sleep in while Joshua and Jadon did whatever. Except Jen-she would be alert and involved. 😆). I didn’t get to the library every day but I made an effort to not do homework while I was at home so I could be present. It was a game of cat and mouse all week. I was constantly behind but did what I could and left it till the next day. By the weekend I managed to catch up but only to start the cycle all over again. I had a few panic attacks, and emotional breakdowns over the stress but here I am!! Yay!
My classes have crowded out my reality. I’ve been functioning but I haven’t been truly accepting your absence. I’ve been crossing off days on the calendar since your funeral. I needed something to mark as a victory. In the early days just getting through the day was a victory but yet at the same time a loss. I made it through the day (yay for me) but it marked another day I made it through without you. I hate that. Since your funeral I’ve had my eye on this moment. A day of a real accomplishment
.
Today, I accomplished something that I felt has been bleeding me out with each passing day. Today, I get to take the blinders off and look at a new reality. My life as it really is, without the distraction of assignments. I’ve looked forward to today for 6 months because I’ve known when I’m done with school I don’t have to pretend anymore. When I’m done with school, my heart will let me mourn you without limits. When I’m done with school, I will wake up and face the day instead of my distractions. I want my thoughts to linger longer on you instead of pushing them aside because that’s a rabbit hole I could get lost in for days! I’ve avoided your books, journals, and personal items because I want time with you. I’ve kept you at arms length because I want to experience you when I deal with these things. You’ve been put on a shelf, so to speak, while I’ve wrapped this part of our life up. Today I only want to celebrate with you. We did this together. After putting the kids to bed, I sat in the bath with a pint of Ben & Jerry’s (my friends know me well) and cried. The tears are a mix of exhaustion, relief, and missing you. I do feel seen by you. I know you are proud of me for doing this. Thank you for helping me along. Now if you will excuse me, I'm going to climb into our bed and sob into your pillow. I've been holding in this cry for 6 months. I'm free to embrace this. I love you so much it hurts. See you in my dreams. 😘
