"Connection"

 Babe,

    I did a "thing" last weekend.  I was invited to a "Sound Bath." I went, having no idea what I was walking into.  The best way I can describe it is;  a mix of April and Kami.  Crystals, and drums. 😆 Need I say more?  I was told I would sleep well after attending.  It's true I did, but the sound bath (high frequency music) was not the main event for me.  It was the introduction or greeting exercise they had us do before. 

 Two circles were formed, an inner circle and an outer circle of people facing each other.  You know how much I HATE people exercises.  This is 1000x worse than anything I have ever complained to you about.  I knew it was going to be way outside of my comfort zone but I was going to embrace it. I stepped into the inner circle and purposefully stood away from my friends.    We were instructed to stand about arms length away from the person across from us.  Once we were established the next instruction was to do nothing but look into the eyes of that person standing across from us.  No talking.  For 20 seconds.  Calming music played as I looked at the man standing across from me, a total stranger. He was wearing a tide-eyed shirt, had long hippy hair and wasn't wearing shoes.  He smiled with calm eyes, apparently not bothered by this very invasive exercise, while my eyes were faking confidence.  I knew I could walk away and not participate but I was so beyond my comfort I had to stick it out.  This goes right up there on the list of Ember does hard things.  So far it is:

1.Walk through fire barefoot

2. Natural Child Birth

3. Skydive

4. Look into the eyes of strangers for 20 seconds without talking.

The mental work required in each of those is the game changer.  I have to go to that place in my head and tell myself I can do it.  There is absolutely no room for fear.  It's a decision to be bigger than fear and pain.

In a situation like this, either you are game or you are not.  I decided to go with it, even though this tops my introvert nightmare, easy.

They say: "The eyes are the window to the soul."  I thought that meant other people can see into my soul by looking into my eyes, but that's not what I experienced.  

I didn't have a strategy. The timer was set and I locked eyes on a stranger and a flood of emotions hit me.  I felt vulnerable at first, and exposed, similar to the nightmares of standing naked in front of a crowd, but I talked myself into safety.  I didn't look away.  

After 20 seconds (plus infinity) a chime sounded and the inner circle took a step to their right and I found myself standing in front of a new stranger.  In each of the 20 seconds, I saw more of me than I did anyone else.  I observed deflecting behaviors that came up in ME.   In the awkwardness, I wanted to make a joke, ask a question, or look away.  I could see it was awkward for most people but the only way out of it was to get through it.  I heard myself say: "I have nothing to hide.  Let them see me."  Then I began to relax and their eyes told stories of me. 

My experience was I saw into my own soul as others looked into my eyes.  None of those strangers are the wiser after 20 seconds staring at me. They don't know I lost you and still cry everyday.  They don't know I would rather sit alone in a room for days than in a room full of people for hours.  They don't know I am your "Babes" and that I write letters to you to keep you alive in my life. 

But, when I saw them look at me my "thought life" took brave steps toward you.  I smiled naturally at a stranger because I know no one will ever love me again, like you did.  My eyes stopped darting and I settled in with confidence, as I thought about what we've gone through this year, and how proud you would be, if you saw me in that moment. I matched the gaze of 5 or 6 others and my soul told me I'm going to be ok because I am not afraid of being seen.  I am who I am. My life is tragically beautiful.  Full of contradiction and peace.  

The eyes are the window to the soul? I believe it's a gift to be able to look others in the eye and not crack.

The thoughts and feelings I had are 100% from me.  No one to blame.  I am 100% accountable for my feelings.  That was empowering.  It didn't matter who was looking at me because I was the only one truly seeing myself. I was comfortable and safe with myself.  

I'm going to be ok.  You are my soulmate.  No one else sees me like you do.  How lucky am I that I get to carry you with me.  You are my "Connection."