Cause of Death
Babe!
What the heck?! I picked up your Autopsy and Toxicology report yesterday.
Cardiovascular disease?? Myocardial fibrosis?? Pulmonary edema???
How is that real? How does that equal this:
How does this make sense? We get this report 👆saying your biological age is 11.7 years younger than your calendar age and then 10 days later you are gone?!
We talked about the surprising blood results concerning your heart and I asked you if you felt any of it.
You said: "No" with a mouthful of spinach.
You admitted your heart hurt recently because we were fighting.
"Being distant from you has been really hard on me." You said. "My heart hurt a lot."
I thought you were being dramatic! 🙄🤯🥰. You said you were sure the next round of blood results in July would be better because we were better.
The only red flag was when you passed out while exercising just 10 days before you died. (and you believed it was because you got off the bike too fast!)
I ran to Walgreens that night and bought all the supplements that were recommended for you. There was something eerie about that day. I took a picture of you lying on the couch while I was sitting next to the fire taking my exam for school. I remember I kept looking over at you to make sure you were still breathing. Something was off. Remember Joshua tended to you as I was taking my test. He gathered ice cubes into a ziplock bag and placed them on your head where you hit your head. Then piled blankets on you.
You are truly IronSam. Those are the exercises for someone about to die of heart disease??!
I can't believe how quickly this seemed to take place. If I allow it, I resent that you went away for the week prior. Your final week was spent in AZ for work instead of with us. Instead we got pictures of you on your morning and evening runs in random places of Arizona. I am so glad nothing happened to you there.
Concerned about you I text each day to see how you are feeling:
I love that you were at home, doing what you love to do.
I am so sorry you were alone when it happened. You came to me didn't you? I felt you wake me up. I checked your heart monitor, a few weeks after your funeral. I saw how everything happened. You did 20minuets of weight training (P90X) and then started the treadmill at 6:05am. 25min and 30 seconds into your run you stepped off. Your heart rate was at 135 bpm. For the next 6 minuets you lay on the floor with your heart rate dropping. At 6:37am you are gone. When I saw your time of death, I knew it was you that woke me up. I checked my phone when I woke up. It was 6:37am
I found you 3 hours later and started CPR. My efforts and the paramedic's show up on your heart monitor 3 hours later.
I'm so sorry I didn't find you sooner. As awful as it all was, I felt it was your time. None of that makes sense. I don't like it, but I know it's true. I knew, when I left your body to let the paramedics inside, that I wouldn't see you again. As they worked on you I stayed upstairs. Did you see me on the stairs crying? I didn't feel you. I tried to feel you, but for weeks you were missing. I don't know if it was the fog of grief or what, but I didn't feel you until I went to the Temple a few weeks later.
I mean, I'm not experienced in feeling dead people 😁 but feeling you is easy now. You are a part of me. I felt you in the Temple exactly as you were alive. It's like having someone walk up behind you and you recognize them by their voice without seeing them. I could feel you next to me, and I heard you tell me "The temple is where Heaven and Earth collide. We can counsel together there." I heard you tell me "you missed me and that dying first wasn't the easy way out. You are still without me."
Did you know somehow, that you would die soon? How wild is it that we had many conversations about you wanting to die first because you couldn't handle living without me. Welp! Thanks a lot. Give me the hard part. It sucks! Now MY heart hurts! To be honest, I'm glad it wasn't me leaving you behind. I think this is why I feel you when I cry. We are crying together aren't we?
I agreed with you, that you would die before me, but...come on! Weeks later??
You also told me you couldn't stand the idea of me marrying again.
Sam, you brought this up at least 6 times in your last few months! You even alluded to it in the letter you wrote to me in December. You ended the letter saying:
"I choose you even if at death you choose to part."
What the heck??
Years ago I knew, before we both did, that we were going to be married. It appears you knew, before we both did, that you were going to die early.
I wonder if your Ironman years bought you more time? You stopped the extreme lifestyle of exercising and replaced it with us. We had the best years of our lives, for 3 years!!
The day you died was 3 years to the day that we gave our reset fireside, the day you met Caroline. Is that when your countdown started? That day changed our lives. 3 years- to the day, you are gone.
If I'm honest, I don't feel like we are going to be separated too long. I don't know what that means. Or maybe it means I know we really aren't separated. Isn't that a Temple marriage? I expect to experience you Sam! I KNOW we can. We already are! I'm just trying to figure out how it works. I assume I can access you just like I do God. I feel him when I write. He has always spoken to me in my thoughts as I journal. I feel close to you when I write and when I cry. Just like I have Him.
I'm telling you right now, when I go to the Temple, I'm not leaving the Celestial room until I feel you. 😇 Our weekly Temple dates continue. I told the kids this too. Jace told me the last conversation he had with you, you mentioned you were going to fast about something you two were discussing and you would get back to him about your thoughts. So, you left him hanging. 😂 He asked me to ask you what you decided. I told him he can ask you too, but yes, let's talk about that decision.
Pres. Nelson has taught we should seek and expect miracles. I'm taking that to the bank! YOU are the miracle I seek and expect in my life. We are still in this!
What good is all that repair work we just did if we come to a sudden stop now? We did all that repair work for THIS! An Eternal marriage! Why would I move on? We move on together! I am married to you and now our marriage has a different challenge. We are equipped with the tools to keep going. The Temple, personal revelation, and God. I will seek counsel with you in the Temple and invite you into my heart daily. I will find you in these letters.
I know I am going to be with you again,🥰 and I look forward to our DAILY connections we will still have. You left us but you are not gone. I choose to believe you are doing an important work on the "Other Side" and someday we will get the full story, and it will make sense. I love that you are with your Mom.
If you are picking out our Mansion remember our "Eternal dream building" conversations we've had? We don't want the Mansion. We want the Cottage with a white picket fence, beautiful lawn (that I get to care for,) and a large tree swing next to the pond...at the dead end road where no one will bother us 😇 I've told all our kids at some point in their childhood that when they die they can find me (or wait for me) next to the giant Willow tree swing... next to the pond. That is our family meeting spot. So hurry and plant that Willow and dig that pond. Maybe your Grandpa already has?? I remember you have memories of him and a Willow tree.
Our resting place here is under a tree. I knew it was the spot for us the instant I arrived. Remember when we talked about being cremated or buried? (We had this conversation the week before you died after talking about Nanette's Dad passing). I asked you if you would want to be cremated or if you would want to donate your "hunk of a body" to the University of Utah Hospital for research. They would love a body like yours!! 🥰 You were a donor, so a lot of you was harvested. Someone has your beautiful eyes, and parts of your heart (obviously the healthy parts), and your sexy legs. I'll admit, the first time I saw you, I noticed right away you were shorter. 😆😆. Your femurs and other leg bones were harvested. Besides the Frankenstein scar on your head from the autopsy, nothing else was noticeable, but I have a list of everything they used. Someone has Ironman miles in their tissues and bones! 💪
In our conversation then, I told you I liked the idea of donating my body to the University because it is free disposal of my body. Otherwise, funeral services are SO expensive! (Your funeral services were completely paid for by loving hearts! 🤯🥰😭)
My spot is purchased with yours now, so it's a done deal. No science experiment on me! They are going to place me right on top of YOU!🥰.
We also talked about where we would want to be buried. Is SLC home? Your comment was final: "Just don't bury me in Price" 😆. We didn't come to any conclusions about where the ideal resting place would be. We had decades to ponder on that, right? 🙄
I'm happy with where you are. It's not far from our house and it is not in a huge cemetery. It's in the far West corner of the cemetery, under a tree. I guess it's in the same place our little cottage will be; just on "The Other Side."
We will sit down together and read all these letters together and you will tell me "The Other Side" of this experience. The time will be right, whenever it happens.
Until then, just know our 3 years were amazing enough to seduce me to wait for more of you.
I still choose you. 🤟
Stay close 😘