Trying harder

​I decided once I hit your year mark I was going to try harder. 

Try harder at everything. 

What that looked like today was being more present with the littles.

 It is a rainy day so that was going against my mental health. 🤪

I went on my usual Monday walk and then sat wrapped up in a blanket until Jadon got off the bus. ( you win some you loose some) 

We went to the Library (because that’s what we do on Mondays and Jadon talks about it all week in anticipation).

I didn’t rush them.  I watched them perform a puppet show, and line up all the Diary of a whimpy kid books.

 My good parenting gold star was earned when I refused to bring home a stack of Sponge Bob dvds. 🤩 (even though that would guarantee hours of Joshua leaving me alone)

When we got home I sat with them and read all the books we checked out with Joshua. I even let him change the words to the book “Piggy gets invited to a party”

To:

“Piggy learns to potty. “

Potty humor at its finest. 💩 

To be honest, I want to escape to a hot bath but I stick with it.

 Somehow I feel extra love toward Jadon as he tries to leave teeth marks on the library books and I go the distance with Joshua as he asks me a million questions about the Flying Dutchman and his ship blowing in from the West. 

Will we join them or fight them? 

We make snow in the blender because Joshua wants something frozen to eat and I won’t let him eat more frozen strawberries. (He has eaten his daily quota of 9 already)

 Jadon wants a fruit smoothie but Joshua won’t touch it so I finish it off and I want to crawl back under the blanket again or escape to the hot bath to warm up. 

 The frozen treats don’t phase the boys. 

On rainy days I crave comfort food. Your buddy Jon dropped off his homemade jalapeño cheddar bread last night and I’ve single handedly eaten the entire loaf with raspberry jam.  

My buddy Saysha dropped off Indian food so I can skip cooking tonight for myself and Abi. 🥰

We have great neighbors who are still thinking of me and dropping off treats/dinner.

Our house has flowers arranged in different rooms because people remembered that I lost you last year.

The colors are brightening my day.  

They remind me of your “Flower Friday”  the flowers from the previous week were still thriving but you still had a new bunch the next Friday.  

I have a box of See’s candy in my room.  So many reminders of you but given to me by others who love us. 

I cried today when I realized something strangely comforting:

You aren’t missing from my life because you stopped loving me.

You’re missing because you died.

And somehow that changes everything.

I know you would still be here if you could be. I know you loved me fiercely.

I just have to try harder at life without you

So even in the loneliness… I still feel loved.

I am alone, but loved.

.