Merry fake Christmas

Last night (Christmas Eve) I made dinner ( and by that I mean I warmed up ham dinner I purchased) and we ate off your grandparents China. I set your plate at the head of the table and lit a candle. We laughed and enjoyed the food but it didn’t feel like we were creating family memories or keeping family tradition. It felt fake. 

After dinner Jarom insisted we watch his favorite clip from Charlie Brown Christmas about the true meaning of Christmas. 

Then he took your scriptures (still sitting at your bedside table) and he read out of Luke and proceeded to teach Joshua (and the rest of us) about the true meaning of Christmas. Jace pulled out his scriptures on his phone and read 3 Nephi and bore testimony of Jesus and the sign of his birth.   

Coincidentally, I hadn’t  place the star on top of our tree yet and used that opportunity for the boys to light our tree with the sign of Jesus’ birth. 

My heart was full as our boys stepped into your shoes and took the initiative to worship as a family. I didn’t ask them to, but it makes sense that they did. You did that every Christmas Eve.  They did it beautifully, and in stride together. Both of them sharing their hearts and love for the Saviour. 

Thank you for teaching them by example. They reminded me how blessed I am this Christmas to have Jesus in my life. I miss you this Christmas but it’s because of Christ that I love you like I do. 

I’m a little hesitant to create new memories. I don’t want memories without you. My choices are I either freeze all emotion or move on. 

Last night I needed the boys to led the worship. I wouldn’t have done it. I’m trying to keep everything the same and the load felt heavy. They lifted me when I was weak. They strengthened me with their testimonies and the word of God. 💗

I put the littles to bed and instead of jumping into the magic of Christmas I climbed into bed and wished I could disappear into dreamland myself. 

I did eventually get back out of bed. (11pm) I did Christmas alone and it reminded me of Christmas 3 years ago when you and the boys got snowed in at New York and missed Christmas. That will always be a memorable one for them! 🥰 you made the best of it and went to the knicks game. I remember you saying the tickets weren’t cheap but you said you were creating memories. Who knew that would be the last Christmas you’d have with both Jarom and Jace?! 🤯 They will always remember that. Today Jace was watching them play and brought it up.

I did that Christmas alone but it wasn’t like now. Last night was boring.  Normally we have a movie going and take ALL night putting things together and wrapping gifts but our family is different now.  We’re not a bunch of kids anymore. The last five years we have been adjusting to kids being on missions/College and downsizing the Santa production. Last year we made a record by being in bed by 1pm! We were so proud of that! 😆

 It’s just Joshua and Jadon who get the Santa magic so my job isn’t as involved as it use to be.  It would literally take us ALL night to get set up.  We’d usually watch The Hobbit or some documentary to keep us going and I’d be filled with anxiety because you acted like you were alone in Santa’s workshop making all sorts of noise and I’m freaking out that we’re going to get caught while trying to destroy all evidence.  I am so glad I had you for those years. (Dispite your noise)

Now that we’re down to 3 at home, “Less is more” for Jadon and Joshua.   The college kids got gift bags.. no magic.  The best part for me was wrapping their shoes from you.  I had a moment when grief hit me.  It totally blindsided me  I was just fine wrapping all the gifts and then my heart wished you were sharing the magic with me.  I had a good cry and talked to you about it, and then felt better and moved on.  I didn’t cry again until I was on my way to bed and I noticed a gift outside our front door at 2am

A beautiful gift with my and your name on it.  That in itself was a gift.  Our names on the same sticker made me cry.  I have no idea who left it.  It made me feel seen because you spoiled me at Christmas. 😭

I took it inside and sat next to the tree and cried.  Who knew that you were a giver of gifts?  It was perfect symbolism of you. “Only the best for my Babes” you would say.

I miss that.  🥰

Christmas morning was easy.  Jace (20 years old) was the one to wake the house. He came into our room and woke me up at 7am.  I was mad, not going to lie!  The littles were still asleep and I didn’t  get to bed till after 2am  sleep was what I wanted!!  Joshua had instructions to stay in bed till 7am and he was still asleep, until Jace came in! 😡🤣

We all gathered like we normally do on Christmas morning and pretended everything was business as usual but you weren’t there and it wasn’t normal.  Now we go to bed tonight and continue the façade.  

Christmas was fake because you weren’t here. My life is fake because you aren’t here.  The entire year has been fake.  We’ve made it through most of the “firsts” without you and I’ve discovered that I’m only getting through them because I am keeping you HERE. I’m not letting you go.