I’m done

​I love this picture of you. India is HOT for Santa. 😅

For whatever reason I feel the same way you do in that pic today. 😢 I’m having a grief day. I think my emotions are catching up to me. I need a good cry. Is it because I have our Anniversary and your birthday behind us and I’m staring Christmas in the face?

 😭😭😩😩😩😭😭😭😭😩😩😩

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve. I need you!! I’m not sure what I’m going to do about prepping. Do I pull an all nighter?  Do I wrap or not?  

I can’t just lock myself in our room because Jadon needs to be watched!!  I think I’ll assign Abi to him and lock myself in our room to wrap presents and to cry all afternoon! The physical part of Christmas (like the shopping, cleaning, decorating etc) isn’t getting to me. It’s being present, positive and emotionally charged that is getting to me. I’m doing a lot of “creating” because of all the fakeness of Christmas. 😆 and I’m doing a lot of chaos control with Jadon. 

 I refuse to wake up and have a normal day during Christmas time. If I didn’t invite Christmas inside it wouldn’t be happening. It looks like early Spring outside not Christmas! 

There is a lot of acting going on here. I’m acting like it’s Christmas for the kids sake. Joshua is in the magical realm of Christmas. He is talking to his new elf on the shelf all morning. 🥰 I wonder if you were here if I would be able to get into it more?  It’s like all the “perks” of life died with you. Pizza doesn’t do it for me anymore, ice cream lost its flavor, my cravings for food are gone and now Christmas feels fake. Why?  Where did it all go? You weren’t all those things because I enjoyed all those things when I hated you and when I loved you. So why did they die?  I can’t just make up my mind and crave food. It’s gone. I do know I can just make up my mind to have a good day… but I know it’s an act. What is this part of me that I can’t fake?  It’s a broken heart, isn’t it?  I’m just not the same. Christmas has always been all about the MAGIC. I’ve done all the same things this year as I have in the past. I left you on the sidelines most the time and did Christmas all by myself for the first 20 years, so this isn’t new, so why isn’t it the same?  

I learned I needed to be the creator of my own happiness a two decades ago. I did it while our relationship struggled, and you were still sleeping next to me but we were in different zip codes. 

I’m having a hard time accessing the passionate part of me. Oh!  That’s it!  Its through YOU that I access my deepest passions!! I craved foods, and experiences because I hadn’t unlocked my full potential of love yet. It wasn’t until our marriage miracle that I turned to YOU and expressed that dormant part of me and experienced me at a profound level. I became my true self only when I was able to truly love you. That is what I am missing!  I’m not myself because I gave that meaningful part of me to YOU!  It’s not lost. You are the keeper of it. You complete me. 

That must mean you are experiencing a similar loss with me. What we complete in each other is not physical. It’s not because you don’t have your body and I do have mine. It’s an eternal part of each of our souls that we made complete. 

I feel better understanding that now. I will never be fully me again, without you. Not because I am broken and not because you died. I will never be fully me again until I am with you because I GAVE you my best part of my soul. It is my gift to you. You are still holding me and I am still holding you. I hope you feel comforted knowing part of me is with you while we are apart. I will try to remember that myself. We are not together right now but we are sealed. Not broken. What God seals, He heals. (It’s set in stone for us babe!!)

Funny how my brain knows this but my heart needed the reminder  

This is proof God speaks to me while I write. It’s how we communicate too. I hear you babe!!  “I’m your Babes and the most beautiful woman you’ve ever seen”. 🥰😅🫣😭

Thanks for the pep talk. We’ve got this!  Let’s pull an all nighter complete with 5 hr energy and knock Christmas out!! 🎁 

Tradition had it that we would be checked into a hotel wrapping presents tonight!! I’ll save the money and make a party in our room wrapping tonight. Join me. 😘