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Hi my name is Ember...


 I went to a 12 Step meeting yesterday.  It's the first one since you died and the first one as an actual participant, rather than missionary leading it.  

It was a women's general addiction meeting. I didn't know any of the participants.  I guess thats the main objective when attending an addiction meeting for most people.  You choose a location far away from your home only to find all your neighbors working the same strategy. 😆. 

This meeting was actually the closest meeting so I could be in and out as fast as possible.  I don't have a babysitter on Wednesday so I doubt I'll be able to make every week but I'm going to try to this month while the college kids are home.

When I pulled into the church parking lot I wasn't thinking about all the things a first timer would at their first meeting.  We witnessed many of those first timers at our meeting.  The women tend to walk in meekly with tears, and the men stride in with purpose and ego, but within the hour ego leaves the building and all that remain are humble hearts and new friends.

Why did I go to an addiction meeting?  Because I know those meetings are where miracles happen and God teaches me things about myself.  I went like I was being summoned there. I felt like I needed to be there.

As I took my seat, the familar setting got to me and I started to cry.  I've only been to those meetings with you.  I brought your manuel because I wanted you with me.  I wanted to read your notes in the margin and your answers to the questions, but I forgot that they updated the manuals and were using the new version.  So I had to borrow my neighbors manual and find my own thoughts. 😆

We were on Step 2: Hope.

"Come to believe the power of God can restore us to complete spiritual health."

I realized  that is exactly why I was at the meeting.  I came to believe in the power of God in these meetings again. I crave that connection. I was a stranger to all (except Nanette, she is the facilitator for this meeting!) but I wasn't there for social connection, I was there for God's connection.

Being a participant placed me in the "hot seat" so to speak.  My self reflection was how vulnerable I feel behind my many masks I'm wearing this year, but that I feel God calling me to reach a little bit in my abilities. This week, I was asking Him to explain (or translate )what my heart is feeling.  I was reminded of the agreement you and I made about sharing our story.  I told God I was still willing to do that and He said: "Good, Sam's already doing it over here." 🤦🏻‍♀️

My next thought was: "Of course he is!"  (you overachiever!! 🥰) here I am trying to decide if I’m ready and you’ve already hit the road running, IronSam. I’m just getting my shoes tied. 😂

It's time for me to begin.  I don't know what that looks like, but I do know it involves the 12 Steps.

Ready, or not… here I go! 🫣


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