Fake Birthday

​happy birthday 🎁 

Wishing you the best today Babe. 🥰 what would I do without reminders 😅

When I told Jadon it was your birthday today he said: “cake” 😆 I told him maybe we’d get angel cake but then I changed my mind and said we’d get cookies and the he started asking for angel cookies  😆 instead we went to the gas station and I let them pick a treat to eat at your grave.  

Look at this!!  Your friends Matt and Ashley sent these to me in honor of you  🥰 several people have reached out to me today.  Today was a beautiful day. It was windy but warm. We were only wearing tshirts at the cemetery! I doubt we will get another birthday of yours like this. Just add it to the fake year. Everything is fake. 

Joshua got a present in the mail today. Kayla Sue sent him an elf on the shelf!!! I told her you and I banned them from the HobiHome and that you were going to haunt her for this. Joshua will love her for it. He is thrilled!  The good news is the shipping was delayed so we only host the little guy for 3 nights before he returns with Santa… till next year. 😩

This evening we went to the mall and shopped “Ember style.”In and out under 45 minutes!  We just needed to pick out shoes for me and Joshua for your gift to us!  

I’m learning that if I stay busy I don’t feel your absence. Just like all things that are important, I need to be deliberate in how to make them happen. Today you were on my heart ALL day. You will always be a part of my day. I will never wake up and not think of you. You are my imaginary friend. I was talking to you while cleaning up a mess in the laundry room that Jadon made. Jennica walked in and asked me if I was talking to myself. I said yes!  I’m always talking to myself because I choose to believe you are always listening!! 😆

You are loved here Babe. Do birthdays mean anything in heaven?  I hope so. You lived hard. Always so intense. Makes sense to me now. 

I didn’t cry today until Jarom brought home a fish taco. 😭 I told him I’d never go buy a fish taco for myself. He said: “I know. That’s why I bought it. It’s for you… for dad.” That made me cry. You are my fish taco from Lonestar. 

It’s so strange how memories are in food, smells, locations and emotions. You’re everywhere. Sometimes in the surface other times deep in the heart. Who knew a fish taco went straight to the heart. I don’t even like fish. 

If you were here, I know we’d be staying at Little America tonight. We would’ve checked in on Friday for our Anniversary through tonight. Tonight we’d be eating take out, probably Thai food, while sitting near the windows in a tower room, taking in the Mountain View’s and talking ALL night long. No kids, no tv, no phones and clothes. 🥰

Instead, I’m on your side of the bed fully dressed in sweats (plus socks) and Joshua is sleeping nearby. I’m listening to our relationship goals playlist through headphones while typing words to try to describe a day ment for you in a world where you don’t exist anymore.  Again, it’s all fake. Another fake day. 

I’ll keep faking life with each fake day until you are with me again.

 I hope you know I LOVE you. I hope you know my favorite part of life was being loved by you for the last 3 years of your life. I miss your freezing feet, your soft hands and your passionate love. Thank you for choosing me. I’m still choosing you. 😘 Even in death. 

🤟🏻