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Cause of Death

  Babe!   What the heck?!   I picked up your Autopsy and Toxicology  report yesterday.    Cardiovascular disease?? Myocardial fibrosis?? Pulmonary edema???   How is that real? How does that equal this: How does this make sense? We get this report 👆saying your  biological age is 11.7 years younger than your calendar age and then 10 days later you are gone?! The only time I ever heard you mention something about your heart was a week before you died !  We talked about the surprising blood results concerning your heart and I asked you if you felt any of it.   You said: "No" with a mouthful of spinach. You admitted your heart hurt recently because we were fighting.  "Being distant from you has been really hard on me." You said.  "My heart hurt a lot." I thought you were being dramatic! 🙄🤯🥰. You said you were sure the next round of blood results in July would be better because we were better.   The only red flag w...
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Today

 Today is July 16, 2025.  It's a normal day today, nothing unusual going on here, BUT today, 4 years ago, changed everything for us.   Today is July 16, 2021- the day we had our first session with Liz. I remember it well. I had the worst stomach ache during the session and the rest of the night.  I did not want to address the issues I had stuffed for 23 years.  I just want to run from them and you. I wrote: "It was his idea to see a Counselor.  I protested, confident it would not work, simply because I did not want it to work" Today is July 16, 2022- a year into our "repair."  While reporting to Liz in an email  I realized it was exactly 365 days from our first visit with her.  I wrote:   " Not only do I believe in love- I believe love   has the ability to create miracles!" Today is July 16, 2023- I am away for the weekend locked up in a room to recharge and write.  While in my journal I find an old post fro...
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Different sides

  Babe, In the morning, my body aches, and all I've done is open my eyes. Why does grief do this?  It's like death is mocking me for being alive. Why is this kicking in now?  It has been 4 months but I feel worse today than I ever have. It hurts more. I forget to breathe and then I can't catch my breath.  It is too shallow. I think part of my oxygen supply died with you. Daily this week, it feels like I am on the verge of a panic attack.  My heart feels heavy, along with my shoulders and back.  It's so heavy that I don't even try to carry the weight of it anymore.  When it gets too much, I let it go.  I cry where ever I am.   Today that was sitting at a table at the City Library.  I sat there and sobbed and it felt so good. Then I was able to move forward and be productive with my homework. First thing in the morning yesterday, I could feel the weight.  I decided to leave the kids home from church and I walked alone, hopin...
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