Seeing Around Corners

 Hey Babe,

    Tuesday night I cried myself to sleep.  It was a good cry.  I didn't realize there are so many different versions of a cry.  I don't ache in pain like I use to.  I do ache for us though.  I was like a heartbroken teenager crying myself to sleep holding onto our memories while listening to a playlist I made titled: "Sam". Its a good playlist 😢. It would be "burn worthy" back in the day.🤓

The next morning (Wed.) I went to the Temple.  I love being there.  I've been asking God to show me what I am missing.  Give me the eyes to see what I need to see.  What do I need to prepare for, be aware of, make changes to??  Without you, I rely heavily on Him. He is my provider, and protector like you once were.  The things I went to you for, I now take to Him. I ask Him to help me find a mechanic.  I ask Him to take the stress that certain financial situations are causing me.  I know He cares about me and my situation.  There is freedom in handing Him my worry.  

At the Temple, for the first time, I ran out of tears.  I didn't cry that visit.  I just sat there and listened to my feelings.  Listening for something, but not sure what.  For the first time my heart isn't aching for healing like it has for so long, instead I was searching for information.  What do I need to know that I don't know?  I'm learning that my questions are also influenced by God.  He is giving me the questions to ask, so He can give me the information I need.  I left the Temple confused.  I wondered what was happening to me.  I didn't feel you, or the lack of you.  I was oddly, emotionless.  Only a few hours later Jennica is on the phone with me running for her car at the Charlie Kirk shooting.  I was desperately praying that YOU would protect her!  The tears came easy then.

I am convinced God knows me better than I know me.  He can see around corners and He places things on my heart to help me along the way.  My job is to HEAR Him.  I know more things are "around the corner." I know God is with me in it, but man I wish you were here to TALK to me.

The week you died, I think God sent me to the temple to offer a sacrifice (fasting) so He could bless me more in the coming days.  I obviously didn't know our days were limited, but He knew, and He put it in my heart to make an offering. 

                My Journal Entry Monday Feb. 24, 2025 7:40pm (3 days before you died)

    The sister missionaries came over last night (Sun) and shared a message with us.  They asked if we would listen for things God is teaching us each day and record it this week.  I have been seeking to feel God each day, and each time I do, I want to acknowledge Him by saying: “I felt that, or I know this is the Spirit giving me joy.”  I am use to feeling the Spirit.  I look for it daily.  For many years I would feel it and then wonder if it was just the caffeine, or my medication.  It feels the same to me- even caffeine induced.

 So, now that I am OFF ALL MEDICATION I look forward to my real daily dose of the Spirit.  It is not as predictable as the 15min release time of the 100mg caffeine pill though. 😆 So, when it happens….and it always does, I call out to God and say: “I hear you!” and I KNOW that it is real because I am free from any substance.  It is a gift I wait for everyday.  

So, back to the. Missionaries: I like this new twist to my already established “daily check in.”  I get to go one step further than FEELING God in my day to HEARING Him, and then acknowledging it by writing it down.  Today, I heard Him ask me to ponder on my "change of heart" experiences.  Why do I do the things I don't want to do?   I have a running list of things “I don’t want to do” but find myself doing them because God places it in my heart and it changes me and… just like magic I want to do it.  For example:  I never wanted to homeschool my kids.  No way!  For 20 years I have lived for school hours so I could get some peace and quiet. I'd daydream of the day I'd get to send my final kid to school all day, so I could do ALL the things I can't do because I always have a child with me. You can imagine my surprise when slowly my heart started to change and I felt we needed to make changes.  It’s February and Joshua is only attending school for his IEP class 1 hour a day, and I am so excited to be homeschooling him.  It is becoming a passion.  Not only does God change my heart, He increased my capabilities and desires.

Week Recap-Sunday: I heard Him invite me to fast and go to the temple.

Monday: I heard Him tell me to ponder why I do the things I don’t want to do. (He changes me when I align myself with his will.)

 Looking back, I am amazed at your response to the Sister Missionaries that night.  They first asked you to commit to doing this every day the coming week, and write it down.  You committed and then they turned to me.  After I committed, you changed your mind.  You said: 

"Can I change my mind?  I can't commit to doing it the full week, but I'll do half."  ...You died on Thursday morning. 🤯 What did you know??

Tuesday you texted about our Temple date.  I was so grumpy, I knew I couldn't wait for you to get off work.  I hate to admit this today but, I didn't want to go with you.  I wanted to be miserable by myself.

                                                              

                Journal Entry Tuesday Feb. 25, 2025 (2 days before you died)

    My (Temple) experience today wasn’t great.  I was in a bad mood all day because I was fasting.  It makes me impatient, critical, and unmotivated.  I didn’t want to do anything today.  I didn’t even want to be alone with myself kind of Grumpy!  And to top it off, I didn’t want to go to the temple.  I’m never like that.  I went to the 3pm session.  I had planned to do initatories but I didn’t want to deal with people, so I did a session instead.  Mid way through I forgot about my bad mood and had an enlightened moment.  

What I heard God teach me today is; Trust His messengers.  The ones with flesh and bones.  Keep an eye on the living prophet.

I'm starting to see a pattern in the way God is talking to me.  I get a desire/question/feeling to do something like fast, go to the Temple, homeschool etc. and then God shows me later why I've had that placed in my heart.  He sees around the corners and by the time I make that corner, I'm set up in a good position to handle what I face.  I can think of several other examples:

Last summer I was obsessing over Near Death Experiences podcasts, which led us to conversations about death.

Last January I took a personal finance class that set us on a path of cleaning up our budget and getting our finances together!  When you passed, I already knew where our money was going and what our costs were.

The classes I was taking when you died literally helped me cope.  I was studying the effects of Fatherlessness, family theories, family advocacy, and family stress and coping. 

I believe God was doing the same thing to you because you became Mr. Fix it and Bob the Builder literally right before you died.  You replaced our fence, repaired the kitchen floor, retiled the pool, washed my car and got new tires.  You changed Home insurance and Auto Insurance which went into effect the day before you died.  You maxed out your life insurance options, and you made some interesting (smart) investments that keep me shaking my head in wonder.  Did you know??

Candace Owens has a saying that I can relate to:  "I don't know-know, but I KNOW." 😆

This is how I feel right now.  I don't know whats ahead, but I know whats ahead, because God knows and He gives me a chance to figure it out.

Right now I am being taught: things aren't as they seem.  Secret combinations are alive and well in Utah.  All is NOT well in Zion. You and I were talking about some of the stuff earlier this year. When Charlie was shot, I knew instantly that the evil in Utah is at work.  Things are just getting started here.  Being LDS in Utah is easy today, I don't think that will be the case for very much longer.  I need you with me in spirit!!

I am all in!  I worship The God of Israel!  I hear Him.  He is telling me to watch and listen...👀

The combination of your death and my rebirth places me in a very peculiar reality.  My life isn't the same.  I am in what feels like a merging of realities both seen and unseen. I can't explain it.  My soul refuses to accept you are gone.  Death isn't what I expected it would be.  The thought of loosing anyone close to me was terrifying, but that's not how I am experiencing it.  I feel an unexplainable Peace, and I know that can only come from Jesus.  How can I face the rest of my life knowing you are gone forever??  I can, because you don't feel gone. I can't see, feel, hear, touch, or taste you but I KNOW you still exist.  I still feel connected to you. How are you here but not here?  I don't know-know, but I know. I can't comprehend where you are with my mortal brain, but my heart tells me you are right here with me.  I don't feel alone.  The house doesn't feel your absence.  Your clothes are still in the closet.  Your coat still hangs on the coat rack, and your truck still comes and goes.  Your name is mentioned everyday. 

You are sealed to me. That must be why.  Death has not separated us.  It's 100% true. I need to fine tune my communication skills with you.  We can figure out how to do it.  God has always spoken to me when I write, you have always had my heart Babe...speak to it.  ❤️  I'm listening. 🤟😘