Ministerning Angels
It rained all morning, but it didn't ruin my day. I actually felt peaceful. I played your Sunday playlist, Audrey Assad as we got ready for church. Today was Stake Conference. The theme was Ministering Angles.
Abi was the youth speaker! She wanted to give her talk "your way." She refused to write it out. She wanted to go by the Spirit, like you taught us, by example. She prepared everyday during the week and then went with what she felt she should share. She wasn't nervous at all. She did a great job. She shared my first experience with you at the temple, parts of her patriarchal blessing that mention you being with her, (see below) and how our family is sealed and you are still a part of us as a ministering angel. Sister Goodman was watching on Zoom and took a screen shot of her and sent it to me! 💗
"Your father, a true disciple of Christ, has been gathered home to a glorious reunion with your Heavenly Father and your Heavenly Mother. He is now an appointed messenger, clothed with power and authority, and commissioned to go forth and carry the light of the gospel to men and women who sit in darkness. Your fathers angelic presence, which we feel even now in this room, will be with you forever to guide you, to guard you, and to comfort you. In sacred times and places, he will be close to you, and in times of darkness or despair, he will be there to lift you and to shine a light on your path."
So... you are still a missionary for Addiction Recovery 😍 but on the other side!! Thats exactly where I imagine you.
She hasn't been feeling well the past few days. Yesterday she was hungry, which was a good sign, and she wanted YOUR vodka sauce!! So, she made it! The aroma filled the house just like every Sunday you would make it. It felt like you were in the house again. I loved it. It felt like you fed us yesterday. It was a happy moment. (PS. the Vodka needs a refill. I should go to the Liquor store after one of my addiction recovery meetings wearing my missionary name tag!) 😇
After church Abi asked if I would make stake for dinner. (because it was "stake conference") I told her my Sunday cook died so stake wasn't on the menu. She knew we had some in the freezer. She begged. I warned her I didn't know how to cook it right but she filled me with praises and said you would help me 😊. By the end of the day she was eating her stake. I had to defrost the entire package so I guess she'll be having stake the rest of the week. I didn't burn it, or burn the house down. It's a win.
I went on a walk later this evening, alone when the rain was gone and the sun had come out. It was a beautiful evening. I walked and cried. Didn't know I needed to cry, but the tears always come when I let the reality of your absence in. I can go on a walk without you, but not every walk the rest of my life!! 😢 Sunday walks were our thing. I would wear walking shoes and you would wear your slip on HOKA's because anything under 10miles is leisure to you.
I had a talk with the girls about our dish problem. They decided, on their own, they each will be in charge of meal prep, kitchen clean up, and babysitting one day of the week. I love this idea!
It's not news that I hate asking for help and I hate to nag. This new me (me without YOU) is being stretched. I need to stop trying to fix and do everything by myself ask for more help from our kids. I can't wait for them to notice I need help because it fosters resentments and they are self absorbed humans.😝
Council with me:
I noticed I was stressed out over the house being a mess and when I finally asked each one of them to do a part, they did it without a problem. Why did I let it bother me so long? All I needed to do was give them direction? Ideally I'd like them to be more proactive but at least I have a starting point!
Question: It sounds easy, but why is it so hard for me to ask for help?
Answer: I hate conflict so I avoid it by fixing things myself and then I resent others for it when I am overwhelmed. You always had my back and would step in and get everyone together and clean up when you could see I was "at my wits end." Now that you are not here, I get to come up with a solution.
Solution: Practice asking for help when things are calm. Ask for help with little things. Make a list of things that need to be done and ask everyone to pick one to have done by the end of the day. Make my needs known, don't expect them to know.
It's hard not to have a reset. Doing everything is doable but not enjoyable. I don't want to be irritated all the time. Being a mom is my jam! But right now it's hard.
I'm on the quest to: "Keep loving being a mom." My fire is not full flame anymore. It's an ember.
Pre.Nelson encourages us and teaches us about covenant rest:
"The reward for keeping covenenats with God is heavenly power-power that strengthens us to withstand our trials, temptations, and heartaches better. This power eases our way. Those who live the higher laws of Jesus Christ have access to His higher power. Thus, covenant keepers are entitled to a special kind of rest that comes to them through their covenantal relationship with God"
I love you! I know you're rooting for me. 🤟
Stay Close! 😘
Intro Pic: Jadon is by my side way more than usual lately. You would love his new need for connection. He still loves physical touch but it's fun to see him initiate it now. I taught him your sign. 🤟