Skip to main content

You are my Thursday


 Hey Babe.  

Thursdays will never be the same.  Our Addiction Recovery meeting was discontinued after your passing and I have been reassigned to a Zoom Family Support Meeting at 7pm.  It’s great that I don’t have to leave the kids for the evening.  Abi still babysits so I can run the meeting undisturbed.  I am companions with Peggy Aires and Elizabeth Mahas.  As great as they are, they aren’t…YOU! 🥰. 

The night Jace was released from his mission, the Stake President also released you from yours.  I wasn’t expecting that to take place and to be honest, I was more emotional about that than I was about Jaces.  I begged them NOT to release me. I need this calling.  They told me to take some time and when I am ready they will reassign me.  I started attending the Support meeting in April, as a participant, but starting May (today) I am back as a Missionary.  


Thursday’s were about “Us.”  I loved that break away from life every Thursdays at 7pm to be with you.  Not only to be with you, but to hear you testify of God’s love and His desire to rescue us from our struggles.  Every week for 3 years, I heard you bare your testimony and encourage others to turn to God to overcome addictions.  I witnessed your story uplift, motivate and change people.  I watched you give amazing blessings to strangers and then to those who became our Thursday night friends.  Your knowledge of God and your kind heart drew people into our meetings.  I saw God work through you as you shared your weaknesses, your shortcomings, your addictions with humble strength in a room full of strangers, who, by the end of the meeting, were friends in Christ.  I loved how you captivated people with your kind heart.


I miss sitting next to you wearing your Missionary tag and colorful socks.  I miss your memorized quotes and scriptures that flowed flawlessly into conversations and blessings.  Most of all, I miss being “Your Babes” on Thursday.  Our regulars knew I was “your Babes” as you would tastefully protect me from the variety of men who would attend.  I miss the touch of your shoe to mine and the scoot of your chair closer to me.  Many of our meeting friends are heartbroken over losing you.  Some even came to your service.  How many times did we hear you say:

“If I knew that Jesus was coming next week, I know exactly what I would be doing…INVENTORY.  Now is the time to prepare.” 

 You are a man of your words.  I saw you working your inventory over the last 3 months of your life, as if you knew.  I saw your notebooks full of 12 Step work.  

In today’s meeting (principle 9: We Have Renounced Dishonesty) the reading portion of the meeting were topics of fostering trust,  encouraging honesty from our loved ones, rebuilding trust etc. This sentence was meaningful to me: “Sharing everything about each other's personal life is powerful spiritual insurance.” (The Sanctity of Womanhood” Ensign, May 2000, 37).


I feel like we got really good at this. This past week I have been gathering all your journals and notebooks you kept for your personal scripture study and 12 Step work.  I can’t believe how many notebooks you have filled!  As I flipped through them I caught glimpses of your step work but didn’t dwell on or read full entries, and after going through at least 10 or 15 notebooks, I realized, you have been very open and honest with me and your life.  I didn’t discover anything new.  In your “Confession” notebook, from what I lightly flipped through, you have shared everything with me in either personal conversation (over our 26+ years) or even in a 12 step meeting.  I realized tonight we have “Powerful Spiritual Insurance.” I love that about our relationship.  We did the work to have it too!  Sometimes it took some time (23 years 😂😂) for us to communicate properly but we eventually got there.  I love that I do not have any secrets..  You have 100%  of me and I thank you for sharing 100% of you with me.  

I remember you telling me Step 5 was hard for you to complete.

Step 5: Admit to ourselves, to our Heavenly Father in the name of Jesus Christ, to proper priesthood authority, and to another person the exact nature of our wrongs.

I know you did this step over and over and over to ensure you covered everything in your life.  

 I. AM. SO. PROUD. OF. YOU! 

I love our Mission in the 12 Steps.  It saved us!  Figurative and Spiritually.

I know you were working the steps the morning you died.  You made a note in your journal @5am to be gentle with me in conversation we were to have with Liz later in the day.  Thank you for that.  I am a lucky woman to have a man who makes self improvement notes. Especially that early in the morning.  You left as the BEST VERSION of yourself. I am so excited about that for you.

 I love you.  All 12 Steps of you. 


Your Babes 🤟
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Cause of Death

  Babe!   What the heck?!   I picked up your Autopsy and Toxicology  report yesterday.    Cardiovascular disease?? Myocardial fibrosis?? Pulmonary edema???   How is that real? How does that equal this: How does this make sense? We get this report 👆saying your  biological age is 11.7 years younger than your calendar age and then 10 days later you are gone?! The only time I ever heard you mention something about your heart was a week before you died !  We talked about the surprising blood results concerning your heart and I asked you if you felt any of it.   You said: "No" with a mouthful of spinach. You admitted your heart hurt recently because we were fighting.  "Being distant from you has been really hard on me." You said.  "My heart hurt a lot." I thought you were being dramatic! 🙄🤯🥰. You said you were sure the next round of blood results in July would be better because we were better.   The only red flag w...
3 comments
Read more

Today

 Today is July 16, 2025.  It's a normal day today, nothing unusual going on here, BUT today, 4 years ago, changed everything for us.   Today is July 16, 2021- the day we had our first session with Liz. I remember it well. I had the worst stomach ache during the session and the rest of the night.  I did not want to address the issues I had stuffed for 23 years.  I just want to run from them and you. I wrote: "It was his idea to see a Counselor.  I protested, confident it would not work, simply because I did not want it to work" Today is July 16, 2022- a year into our "repair."  While reporting to Liz in an email  I realized it was exactly 365 days from our first visit with her.  I wrote:   " Not only do I believe in love- I believe love   has the ability to create miracles!" Today is July 16, 2023- I am away for the weekend locked up in a room to recharge and write.  While in my journal I find an old post fro...
Post a Comment
Read more

Different sides

  Babe, In the morning, my body aches, and all I've done is open my eyes. Why does grief do this?  It's like death is mocking me for being alive. Why is this kicking in now?  It has been 4 months but I feel worse today than I ever have. It hurts more. I forget to breathe and then I can't catch my breath.  It is too shallow. I think part of my oxygen supply died with you. Daily this week, it feels like I am on the verge of a panic attack.  My heart feels heavy, along with my shoulders and back.  It's so heavy that I don't even try to carry the weight of it anymore.  When it gets too much, I let it go.  I cry where ever I am.   Today that was sitting at a table at the City Library.  I sat there and sobbed and it felt so good. Then I was able to move forward and be productive with my homework. First thing in the morning yesterday, I could feel the weight.  I decided to leave the kids home from church and I walked alone, hopin...
Post a Comment
Read more