The Other Side

 

 

  Babe, In the morning, my body aches, and all I've done is open my eyes. Why does grief do this?  It's like death is mocking me for being alive. Why is this kicking in now?  It has been 4 months but I feel worse today than I ever have. It hurts more. I forget to breathe and then I can't catch my breath.  It is too shallow. I think part of my oxygen supply died with you. Daily this week, it feels like I am on the verge of a panic attack.  My heart feels heavy, along with my shoulders and back.  It's so heavy that I don't even try to carry the weight of it anymore.  When it gets too much, I let it go.  I cry where ever I am.   Today that was sitting at a table at the City Library.  I sat there and sobbed and it felt so good. Then I was able to move forward and be productive with my homework. First thing in the morning yesterday, I could feel the weight.  I decided to leave the kids home from church and I walked alone, hopin...

 They say grief comes in waves.  Yup.  For whatever reason, I can't get it together this week! I've already cried in the Temple, in the shower, at the library, in Swig drive thru, while watering plants, while cleaning the pool and in bed.  It's only Wednesday.  At least I'm being productive while crying, right?     I couldn't stay awake this afternoon after getting up early for the temple, so I snuck away to the bedroom.  (All the big kids were gone. My desperate need for naps always happen when they aren't here to help).  Jadon found me in less than 10 minuets and I handed him my phone.   I didn't care what he did with it, as long as he let me sleep! (And by that I mean, I turned on Minno and crossed my fingers that he wouldn't find YouTube reels 😆) For the next hour he walked me like a plank!!   He wouldn't stop jumping, and body slamming himself on me.   I was in survival mode and just took it. I didn't ...

  Last night I was lost in the heartache. I woke up this morning with puffy eyes, body aches, and more tears. But then Joshua climbed into bed with me and licked my face, he was pretending to be a cat, and insisted I "pet his belly." And Jadon wanted to water the flowers outside with me. No time for wallowing in my sorrows. 😆 You left me a beautiful life to care for, and the means to do it.  💗  Thank you for working so hard to provide for us. Today I will conquer the world in your honor! You know what helps me the most? Remembering how you love me.   I know you are my biggest cheerleader. It's YOU that fuels me to keep going.  My life is beautiful because of us . You are my Everything, Everywhere, Always! 🤟 Stay Close 😘